TRANSFORMING INTIMACY: ATTACHMENT, THE DOOR TO INTIMACY

               

ATTACHMENT, PART 1

GOD’S "ONE SPIRIT" ATTACHMENT TO YOU IS AN OPEN DOOR TO INTIMACY WITH HIM!

 “…LOVE…THE PERFECT BOND OF UNITY….” (Colossians 3:14).

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In my book in the "transforming" series, I talk about God’s transforming love, but God wants to go deeper by talking about transforming intimacy.

Before you can really enjoy God’s transforming love, God wants you to awaken to your restored, innate, God-given ability to bond through his “One Spirit” relationship with you “...But he(she) that is joined (attached) unto the Lord is ONE SPIRIT(with God, the Holy Spirit)...” (1 Corinthians 6:17 KJV).

In Hebrew, according to Strong’s concordance 5596, the word for attach is saphach and means to join or mix. “...But he that is joined (attached) unto the Lord is ONE SPIRIT...” (1 Corinthians 6:17 KJV).

A baby is born with innate, God-given attachment abilities they can use to draw a respond from their caregivers and to react to the stimuli from them.

These God-given attachment abilities can be witnessed during the interchanges between the primary caregiver(s) and the infant.

We understand this to be mutuality where caregiver and infant maintain an ongoing reciprocity of giving and receiving love from one to another.

When the infant “draws a response” from the caregiver, he or she is communicating they “need” the caregiver’s love and care. When the infant “reacts to the caregiver’s stimuli,” he or she is communicating they are responding to and receiving the caregiver(s) love and care.

This kind of communication between the caregiver and infant is HOW they both “experience” the INTIMATE relationship with each other.

The caregiver communicates to the infant that they will lovingly meet their every need and will generously care for them to the best of their ability.

The infant communicates to the caregiver that they depend upon them to meet their needs and trust in their loving care for them.

Even though, the caregiver and infant have different roles in the mutuality relationship, both roles reveal the reciprocal bond, between them, that form a unique type of intimacy.

The caregiver chooses to become attached with the infant. The caregiver’s desire to become attached should be an open door or invitation, to the infant, that it is okay to become intimate with him or her. In other words, the invitation to intimacy should say to the infant: you are safe, loved, cared for, and will be protected.

In healthy attachments, roles may be different, yet they are equally important for supplying, each participant, with the communication skills needed for bonding with love, “….the perfect BOND of unity…” (1 Corinthians 6:17 NASB).  

In their different roles and in different ways, the caregiver and infant are, both, loving one another through reciprocal behaviors. However, LOVE becomes the primary, intangible bond between them. They are, both, actually experiencing the unique, intimate BOND.  Again, “…Love….the perfect BOND of unity…” (1 Corinthians 6:17 NASB). 

Both parties are highly impacted through this very intimate experience. The infant is impacted by the way the caregiver responds to his or her needs. The caregiver is impacted by the way the infant reacts to his or her love and care.

The infant depends upon the caregiver to survive. The caregiver is lovingly faithful and committed to the infant’s survival.

Caregiver and infant must both abide in the receptive relationship to one another in a mutually cooperative way. By being mutually cooperative, each party will fully benefit from and experience the intimate bond developing between them.

This intimate relationship, between infant and caregiver, was meant to be one of the purest forms of human attachment. It can also serve as a model for the way, the infant, will bond, to others, in future intimate relationships.

Unfortunately, it is rare that the infant and caregiver maintain such a pure and open, expression, of their intimate attachment to one another.

In order to understand the adverse impact of detachment or lack of intimacy in so-called adult attachment relationships; an adult may need to examine his or her inabilities to bond to people through the lens of earlier intimate attachments.

As mentioned before, a baby is born with God-given attachment abilities they use to draw a respond from their caregivers and to react to their caregiver’s stimuli.  “Drawing a response” from caregivers assist infants in being loved, cared for, and getting their needs met.

In addition, “reacting to stimuli” from caregivers assist infants in communicating they have been loved, cared for, and their needs have been met.

Further, the caregiver’s responses and stimuli (interactions with the infant) assist them in communicating their love and care toward the child.

The caregiver and infant’s intimate attachment experience is so critical that God included a hormone called “oxytocin” that enhances the bonding experience.  

Oxytocin is said to be a very powerful chemical, in the brain, that highly contributes to the pleasure one “feels” within many intimate attachments between one human and another.

Oxytocin plays an important role in pairing, bonding, or attaching one person to another during various types of intimate, social interchanges.

Oxytocin is also thought to be released during the bonding experiences. For instance, oxytocin stimulates the caregiver and infant’s oxytocin systems, in the brain, to biologically or chemically influence them to desire to repeat the intimate attachment behaviors over and over again,

The infant “needs and depends” upon the caregiver’s love and care. The caregiver supplies the infant’s “needs and tends to them” with their love and care. This is mutual interchange.

This mutual interchange is intimate attachment in action. In the meanwhile, oxytocin is released during the process of this experience. As a result - of the ongoing bonding behaviors between infant and caregiver(s) – the mutual interchange becomes desirable to repeat.

In fact, oxytocin supposedly BOOSTS the bonding experience between the infant and caregiver(s). This BOOST heavily influences their desire to attach, with one another, over and over again.

Oxytocin not only helps motivate the attachment between infant and caregiver, but it is also said to produce a “feel good” affect in the brain.

The “feel good” affect produces feelings of peace, calmness, and well-being in the both the infant and caregiver.

This God-given hormone, oxytocin, obviously heightens the bonding experiences, which, in turn, inspires and enriches the intimate attachment between infant and caregiver(s).

At this tender time in an infant’s life, - getting their needs met in a healthy, balanced way allows them to learn to trust in and depend upon another person to supply their needs in a healthy manner.

This is the infant’s first experience with loving care and intimacy.

When the intimate attachment is trusting and dependable, oxytocin will help make this mutual, loving interchange something one wants to pursue throughout one’s life.

As a child grows, they no longer “need and depend” as much as they “need and desire” their caregiver(s).  The infant’s need for love never changes, but dependence upon the caregiver(s) changes into desire for the caregiver. You often hear children say: “I want Mommy” or “I want Daddy” or “I want you.”

When an infant’s stops depending on the caregiver(s) so much and starts “wanting” the caregiver (s); he or she is actually saying my need for our intimate relationship is not something I simply rely on, but something I also desire. In other words, it is the love or the intangible bond that has becomes important to the child.

It is important to note, when the infant and caregiver totally give themselves over to the attachment relationship it can become highly addictive, especially for the naïve and impressionable infant. The innocent and vulnerable infant starts out totally “depending” on the caregiver.

We as adults know that anything we come to depend upon or give ourselves over to completely and it gives us a “feel good” experience, like oxytocin does, it can easily become an addiction.

From the very beginning of his or her life, an infant needs love and uses its God-given attachment abilities to draw a response from  their caregiver(s).

The purpose of “drawing a response,” from their caregivers, is to elicit love, be cared for, get their needs met, and to experience that “feel good” high from the intimate attachment.

The infant’s whole world is the caregiver(s). The infant reminds us that nothing is more important than the BONDS of loving relationships that powerfully unite one human to another.

The infant and caregiver’s attachment is the most critical bond of an individual’s entire life, especially in regard to having other intimate, loving relationships moving forward.

How a caregiver responds to the infant from the very first moment of interaction will determine the child’s ability to engage in loving, healthy, and intimate relationships in the future.

When an infant “draws a response,” the caregiver will normally do one of the following things: pick the baby up, cuddle them, breast or bottle feed them, massage them, kiss them, play with them, hold or rock them, sing to them, change their diaper, talk to them, read them a story, or take a nap with them.

All these activities raise oxytocin levels in both infant and caregiver(s); male or female. And at the same time heighten the intimate attachment.

When healthy attachment doesn’t take place, the “feel good” hormone is not produced, but instead the “feel bad” hormone, cortisol, is produced instead. 

The infant’s attachment or mutual interchange with their caregiver(s) is experienced as stress. Cortisol levels increase stress, lack of well-being, ambivalence, anxiety, fear, and insecurity.

Even though the infant “needs and depends” entirely on the caregiver(s), he or she learns at this very tender age that even though they may need their caregiver(s) they cannot depend on them. The infant never moves to the next stage of “need and desire.”

In fact, they may eventually move to a stage of NOT needing the caregiver(s) at all, nor desiring them.

The God-given attachment abilities, hardwired into the child, never leave them, and must find a way to be expressed and utilized.  

In my opinion, when the infant attempted to “draw a response” from caregiver(s) and couldn’t elicit the love or care they needed to get their needs met, they were forced to seek elsewhere. Their innate attachment abilities demanded an attachment to something if NOT someone.

Because of the infant’s powerful, God-given attachment abilities; attachment of some kind must takes place.

Social interchanges, with people or objects of affection, produces oxytocin. Oxytocin makes you “feel good” both emotionally and physically. It also helps create a much needed attachment of some kind, which becomes desirable to repeat over and over again.

Satan will use the infant’s need for attachment to gather disciples for himself. He will fulfill the infant’s “need,” for intimate attachment, by influencing him or her to “trust in” or “depend upon” anything, but “real” love.

Eventually, the infant’s “desire,” for the attachment, becomes a source of intimacy, even if its illicit, carnal, or destructive.   

The normal “need and depend” on the caregiver attachment becomes abnormal “cravings and dependency” for Satan’s kinds of illicit, carnal, or destructive attachments.

Satan knows humanity has a POWERFUL need to attach to LOVE, which is God. He wants to kill, steal, and destroy any chance of that bond taking place.  “… for God is love…” (1 John 4:8 KJV) and “…the thief cometh ...to steal, and to kill, and to destroy…” (John 10:10 KJV)

When an infant “draws a response” and the caregiver doesn’t respond, Satan will influence one of the following ongoing, negative experiences: neglect, lack of affection, no comfort, no attention, no consistent care, no holding or rocking, no stories, no talking or reading, no playing, periods of abuse instead, periods of impatience, etc.

All these activities raise cortisol levels in the infant and they learn to ignore or shut off their need for loving, caring human attachments.

I believe and it is my opinion, after reading and studying all the research on attachment, that we were all meant to become attached to “one” thing and that’s love.

More importantly, the LOVE OF GOD. The caregiver is not the source of that love, but they are the vessels or channels for the love of God to come through to the infant.

Infants are hardwired with attachment abilities and cognitive research has concluded them to be competent and capable individuals, even as babies.

Thus babies find a way, with or without, the proper assistance from caregiver(s) to survive the “lack of caregiver attachment.” When the infant is left unsafe, unprotected, without a proper intimate attachment, Satan will influence him or her any way he pleases to attach to something or other someones.

Furthermore, if healthy human attachment never takes place, research says, some infants grow up to experience ill-health, both emotionally and physically and have multiple behavioral issues. In addition, they normally do not form lasting intimate relationships.

These babies probably learned early on to self-soothe, not from a healthy, supported, guided way, but from an unhealthy, neglected, and misguided way.  

Satan will take advantage of the infant’s vulnerable state of being and will influence intimate attachments through the evil side of social interchanges and oxytocin.

 Satan will eventually lure the unprotected infants to raise oxytocin levels by pairing or attaching them with food or drugs or alcohol, or sex or something else; to the point things or objects, not people, become essential for experiencing intimate attachments.

Satan’s intentions are to kill any chance for the infant to know true love. The Evil One will set the infant up for failure in regard to loving, caring intimate relationships as soon as possible.

I believe people will attach to something. Some attachments are not obviously bad per se, but they may not be spirituality profitable or edifying either. “...You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial...” (1 Corinthians 10:23 NLT).

Socially acceptable attachments can be work, exercise, shopping, caffeine, computer games, watching excessive amounts of television, food, or illicit sexual involvements, etc; just to name a few.

The infant will become attached to something, but it won’t be true Love.  However, the infant may come to believe its love or some form of love, because it’s a “feel good” attachment.

Therefore, the infant will engage in attachment behaviors that make him or her “feel good.” One of the primary, intimate attachments, for infants, is food. Food can become a patterned, habitual response, for the caregiver, in meeting the infant’s needs.

The infant can become attached to food instead of the caregiver or both, since they are often paired together. If both, then food or the caregiver can make the infant “feel good.”

When the infant can get that “feel good” experience from the caregiver or from food either one will do.  Long after, the initial bonding with the caregiver changes, the bond with food does not.

The infant’s “need and dependency” upon food never transitions into desire like it does with the caregiver, but becomes something else. The infant continues to need and depend upon food beyond the required stage. The need and dependency upon food follows them from infancy, to childhood, to adolescents, to teenage years, and into adulthood.

According to the experts attachment is an ongoing, entrenching, and lasting, intimate bond that connects a person to another person or object of affection across the lifespan. The infant becomes attached to the food as they were with the caregiver, because both nourished them.

This intimate attachment, with food, becomes a lasting bond, for the infant, through classical conditioning with the caregiver.

While the caregiver intended to love, care for, and met the needs of the infant, food was, inadvertently, paired with the caregiver’s behavior.

The infant was learning, unconsciously, to have the SAME response toward food that they did toward the caregiver. This created an unhealthy behavior and unhealthy response to food, that, often, last through one’s lifespan.

In attachment infant’s seek to, regularly, be close to the caregiver and if paired with food, then food too. When the infant feels threatened or stressed they can run to their caregivers and, inadvertently, to food too. As adults when they feel threatened or stressed they can STILL run to food.

Overweight, in my opinion, is often a result of “that” PAIRED intimate attachment the infant forged, unconsciously, between themselves, their caregiver, and food.

The infant LOOKED to their caregiver, who was also paired with food, for calmness, peace, protection, and well-being. As adults they “still” LOOK to food to do the same thing.

As an infant, the caregiver responded to their needs, but so did food, so the intimate bond, inadvertently through classical conditioning, was formed with both food and the caregiver.

This response from the caregiver and food eventually turned into a learned behavior. The caregiver and food provided nourishment. The infant learned to form an intimate attachment BOND with both the caregiver and food.

Both the caregiver and food made the infant “feel good,” which means both made them feel calm, peaceful, comforted, and gave them a sense of well-being.

Both the caregiver and food responded to the infant’s needs and the infant learned to repeat certain behaviors over and over again in order to get what they wanted from the caregiver, food, or both.

Food becomes a long lasting, but unhealthy intimate attachment BOND that a person STILL believes meet their NEEDS like when they were infants.

Some people believe, there are certain foods, they cannot live without. However, more often than not, that certain food is NOT meeting their needs and it is probably causing DAMAGE to their bodies.

The intimate attachment to food, learned as an infant, inadvertently, has become an object of affection that is now destructive. It can negatively impact a person for the rest of their life.

According to the World Health Organization’s June 2016 fact sheet over a billion adults (18+ years old) are overweight and millions of them are actually considered obese. When you are overweight or obese, excessive fat accumulation can become destructive to your overall health.

Eating is one of life’s major social interactions and will, most likely, raise oxytocin. While eating or drinking milk, it makes the infant “feel good” while doing it and therefore, encourages them to desire to repeat the behavior.  

Eating behaviors can and will become addictive in an infant’s quest to “feel good” from the caregiver or food in which they have attached themselves.

Initially, the caregiver and the food make the infant “feel better,” together, but during the transition, the food continues, eventually replacing the intimate attachment to the caregiver.  Instead of moving forward in the developmental stage, the infant stays needing and depending upon food throughout the lifespan.

 Replacing the intimate caregiver attachment with food, instead of making the transition, will not be healthy going forward for the infant.

The earliest influences on an infant’s development can impact their emotional or physical growth. It is considered “normal” to transition from “needing and depending” upon one’s caregiver in different ways at different stages.

The intimate attachment with food is often missed as a potential developmental problem, so no intervention is provided to offset the impending problem.

Growth and development is a process necessary even in one’s spiritual life. “...you have been believers so long now that you ought to be teaching others. Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God’s word. You are like babies who need milk and cannot eat solid food...” (Hebrews 5:12 NLT).

When attached to food, the “feel good” moments don’t last or it reduces in intensity over time. The longer individuals are attached to a thing or object like food, the more it demands and the less it satisfies.

The reason the thing or object or food becomes less satisfying is because individuals adapt to it or it becomes tolerant and therefore, less pleasurable.

The attachment to the thing or object or food, though less pleasurable, continues through the process of habituation.

The “feel good” pleasure is highly reduced over time, but the attachment to the thing or object or food is now in an uncontrollable state. I have been there. “…I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good…” (Romans 7:14-25 NLT). “…Who will free me from this life that is dominated by SIN  …” (Romans 7:14-25 NLT). “…Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord…” (Romans 7:14-25 NLT).

For instance, I became attached to sweets (candy), and over time I had to eat more and more to “feel good” and it satisfied me less and less while destroying my health at the same time.

I became twice my original weight, but I was so attached I couldn’t let it go. I was dependent on sweets and I thought sweets were essential for my survival. I couldn’t imagine living without sweets and life looked bleak at the thought of giving sweets up.

What made me give sweets up is when I realized I was more dependent on sweets to satisfy my need for an intimate attachment than I was to God. I thought I couldn’t live without them. “… God will supply all [your need]…” (Philippians 4:19 NASB). GOD says, “…I… satisfy  …” (Jeremiah 31:25 NASB).

“…The Lord is my shepherd; I SHALL NOT WANT…” (Psalms 23 KJV). “…YOU SATISFY ME (or provide me with) MORE THAN THE RICHEST FEAST …” (Psalms 63:1-5 NLT).

“… [God, the Holy Spirit, the caregiver ALONE WILL]…satisfy … [his children[  …” (Jeremiah 31:25 NASB).  “… [God, the Holy Spirit, the caregiver, etc.] … will supply all [his children’s need]…” (Philippians 4:19 NASB). . “[God, the] …Holy Spirit …is the SOURCE [of it ALL]…” (1 Corinthians 12:4-11 NLT).

At the time, that was the one thing I thought I couldn’t do through Christ who strengthens me. Mainly because I didn’t want to and I didn’t really believe I could after so many failed attempts to give sweets up.  “…I am the Lord, the God of all flesh: is there anything too hard for me?” (Jeremiah 32:27 KJV). “…The things which are impossible with men are possible with God…” (Luke 18:27 KJV).

According to research, there are a multitude of reasons people become seriously attached to something or someone, but the need for emotional comfort (to feel good) is usually a part of the underlying explanations.

The enemy has negatively impacted the emotional attachment to food, since the beginning of time. He tempted Eve with food (apple) and attached all her emotions to the experience. “…of every tree of the garden THOU MAYEST FREELY EAT: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou  SHALT NOT EAT of it; for in THE DAY THAT THOU EATEST thereof THOU SHALT SURELY DIE…” (Genesis 2:16-17 KJV). BUT“…The woman [became] ... convinced [to eat from the tree, anyway]... She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it...” (Genesis 3:1-7 NLT).

 “….She [CHOOSE to take] ... some of the fruit and [eat] ... IT. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and HE ATE IT, too …” (Genesis 3:1-7 NLT).

Socially acceptable attachments, such as the one I had are easier to continue, because so many other people have a similar problem. God had to seriously intervene to help me break the unhealthy sweet attachment.

In the healthy, mutual interchange, between infant and caregiver(s), the emotional (love) and physical (oxytocin) bonding takes place at the same time.

Love is meant to satisfy the emotional need, oxytocin is released abundantly, which was designed to include the physical.

When healthy human attachment takes place, it provides the infant with ample opportunity to become intimate with significant others and build or develop attachment skills for future encounters.

Without healthy attachments, intimacy can become a bond with a much beloved object or idol (an idol can also be a particular kind of person the infant has come to believe will meet a specific need) or food.

An unhealthy attachment makes you “feel good” too. Everything I did and everywhere I went I made sure I had my sweets or knew how to get them. As long as I had my sweets I could deal with anything in life. Sweets made me feel safe, secure, in control, and I kept them close by at all times.

Whenever I consumed them I always made sure I had enough and didn’t run out until I was satisfied.

It was the interaction(taste) of the sweets that made me “feel good.”  Sweets were pleasurable and gave me a rush of energy (dopamine). It made me feel everything was going to be alright And no matter what I went through or the trouble I faced, sweets were there for me.

I had an intimate relationship with sweet. That intimate relationship, with sweets, affected the way I saw my body image, the way I felt about self-image, my self-esteem, my emotions/moods, and my identity.

My craving for sweets satisfied, I thought, my need for peace, my need for comfort, my need for emotional balance, or some other emotional need. It was also a way to release my fears, angers, disappointments, or various stresses.

However, the calm and contentment that sweets offered was temporary. That’s why I continued to crave more and more of it. It satisfied me, momentarily, but it didn’t last.

Years later, the intimate attachment with sweets became an enemy to my peace, my well-being, my health, my identity, my body image, my self-image, my self-esteem, and my spiritual freedom.

I needed healing from the intimate attachment with the sweets I’d had for years and years. It would not come from a diet and exercise program, or a fast, or will power, or restricted rules and regulations, or positive affirmations. God had sent his word to HEAL me. “...he (God, the Holy Spirit) sent his Word and healed them...” (Psalm 107:20 KJV).

My healing came from my intimate attachment to the Jesus, the indwelling Holy Spirit. The Word, Jesus, the indwelling Holy Spirit, was sent to heal me. “...he (God, the Holy Spirit) sent his Word and healed them...” (Psalm 107:20 KJV).

I became his child. Whenever I cry out, he immediately responds to me with his intervening love, his tender care, and to meet my every need.  “…The Lord is my shepherd; I SHALL NOT WANT…” (Psalms 23 KJV). “… God will supply all [your need]…” (Philippians 4:19 NASB). GOD says, “…I… satisfy  …” (Jeremiah 31:25 NASB).

 “…YOU SATISFY ME (or provide me with) MORE THAN THE RICHEST FEAST …” (Psalms 63:1-5 NLT).

He normally does one of the following things: he calms you with his words, he guides you with his indwelling Spirit, he never leaves you, he takes care of your concerns while you wait for him, he does whatever is needed to help you like assigning people he can work “in” and “through”, he gives you mercy and grace every single day, he comforts you with his promises, he protects you with his favor, he strengthens you through the difficult process of trials and tribulations, he turns your troubles into triumphs, when you talk to him through prayer, he answers you, when you seek after him he will let you find him, he reveals himself to you, personally, and he meets your every need, etc.

My intimate attachment with God, the Holy Spirit, replaced my intimate attachment with sweets. I was FREE from my NEED and DEPENDENCY upon sweets that had dominated my life for so long!  “…Who will free me from this life (of need and dependency upon sweets) that is dominated by [my]...sin...[nature]?” (Romans 7:14-25 NLT). “…The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord…” (Romans 7:14-25 NLT).  “…If the Son therefore shall make you free, you SHALL be free indeed…” (John 8:36 KJV). But, “….Apart from [the indwelling spirit],.. [you]… can do nothing…” (John 15:5 NIV).

Through the intimate attachment to God, the Holy Spirit, he restores, opens, and frees your innate ability to also attach to him, again. “IN” Christ, you now have “free will”. 

A “free will” can respond to the natural and supernatural world without restrictions.  It’s impossible to freely choose to respond to the supernatural realm of God without the empowering of the indwelling Holy Spirit. “…The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to [the old attachments of the sin nature]. …I don’t really understand myself, for I want to [be free from old attachments] …but I don’t [allow myself to depend upon God’s indwelling Spirit]... Instead, I do what I hate. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is [the sinful nature]… living in me that does it.  And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to [be free from old attachments) … [which]… is right (healthy), BUT I CAN’T…Who will free me from this life that is dominated by [old intimate attachments of the sin nature]?” (Romans 7:14-25 NLT).

“…The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord…” (Romans 7:14-25 NLT).  “If the Son therefore shall make you free, you SHALL be free indeed…” (John 8:36 KJV). “….Apart from [the indwelling spirit],.. [you]… can do nothing…” (John 15:5 NIV).

A child of God has the freedom, right now, to choose to respond to the natural and the supernatural realm through spiritual fruit of faith (trust in, dependency upon, and cooperation with God) and the empowering of the indwelling Holy Spirit). “... [You have been] made free from sin….” (Romans 6:18 KJV).