TRANSFORMING INTIMACY
“…But he that is joined unto the Lord is ONE
SPIRIT….” (1 Corinthians 6:17).
*
I now KNOW how truly intimate
and attached God chooses to be with each of his children. I researched
human attachment in order to have a stepping stone to understanding the
supernatural attachment we are to experience with God.
Human
attachment begins in infancy and is usually experienced between a baby and its
primary caregiver. There are many theories and explanations offered by psychologists
and professionals regarding attachment which can be summed up in a few words:
attachment is simply the intangible ties
that connect and bind one person to another.
With
healthy human attachment these intangible ties grow and ideally lasts
throughout one’s life. However, the strength of that attachment may loosen,
weaken, or almost fade over time with either one or both of the attached
parties. One particular thing stands out in human attachment, which is the
desire for one or both parties to be constantly in each other’s presence.
In
psychology, John Bowlby is considered the “father of attachment theory.” Bowlby
offers a model for understanding the psychological connections and bonds regarding
human attachment.
Bowlby
posits that connections and bonds formed in childhood will impact an
individual’s attachment relationships with others, one way or another,
throughout their lifetime.
Bowlby
also suggests that human attachments consist of four important components: closeness,
protection, sanctuary, and parting anguish. In other words, the two parties
like to stay close to each other, because
they feel protected and safe and when they part ways they may feel some
anguish about it.
However,
when healthy human attachments thrive, strengthen, and flourish, the two
parties can enjoy different adventures and emotional well-being while engaging
in many of life’s endeavors.
What
is unique about human attachments, especially when one of the parties is an
infant, is how the baby derives comfort and peace simply in the presence of the
caregiver.
Somewhere
along the line, the ability to attach to another person has been severely
damaged and it is almost impossible to find someone special who you can feel
close, safe, and comforted in their presence.
Without
feeling safe and protected by another individual’s presence alone; attachment or
intimacy will remain more a dream than a reality.
Attachment
is highly related to intimacy since attachment determines how well you bond
with other people. The infant and caregiver attachment, unfortunately, initiates
the infant’s ability to be intimate in all relationships going forward.
Just
like there are healthy human attachments there are unhealthy ones too.
If
you look at your own human attachment abilities it may help you to understand
why you can’t fully experience the “One Spirit”
attachment God already has with you
through Christ (1 Corinthians 5:17).
God
offers a depth of intimacy, which many believers cannot embrace or enjoy,
because their earlier connections and bonds were so remiss.
Babies
come into the world with a set of innate attachment abilities, which enable
them to form attachments with one or more caregivers.
God
created these infants with innate attachment abilities in order to help them bond,
with the caregiver(s), in a healthy manner.
This
early period of attachment, between the infant and caregiver, is critical
and without it, the infant’s future ability to be intimate will be significantly
impaired.
Further,
in this early period, how the caregiver responds or doesn’t respond to the
needs of the infant inform him or her how to attach to them and to others. For
instance, the infant either learns to trust and feel safe his or her needs will
be met or learns not to trust nor feel safe that their needs will be met.
In
the first scenario intimacy thrives and in the second, intimacy dies before it
has a chance to live. Further, in the second scenario, the infant does not
attach or bond to their caregiver and thus will not truly know how to attach or
bond in future relationships.
This
lack of bonding or attaching will dismally impact the infant’s ongoing experiences
with loving others and being loved. When the infant’s needs are not met by their
caregiver, the infant’s ability to expect healthy, loving attachment responses,
from anyone, becomes pessimistically impaired.
Thus
a pattern of unhealthy, intimacy attachment skills are established. According
to psychology, there are four types of attachments: a secure one where the infant’s needs are met in a balanced way; an avoidant one where the infant’s needs
are met inconsistently or occasionally; an ambivalent
one where the infant’s needs are met in a highly imbalanced way; and a disorganized one where the infant’s
needs are met with abuse.
Thus
you have a world of people who have adequate attachments with others and those
who have disastrous attachments. What this tells us is that the attachment
styles learned as infants, will be repeated over and over again in future relationships
with others.
The
innate attachment abilities God created you with, as an infant, are NOT lost
altogether, but are so damaged or misused, you only have an inkling of what
they might have been.
Unhealthy
human attachments often destroy the original God-given ability to bond with others.
Too many people, believers too,
because of unhealthy attachments in infancy, depend upon no one, but
themselves.
This
lack of attachment ability is what the infant became familiar with and may
accept as normal. They learned to survive “without” the bonds they were meant
to have initially with their primary caregiver(s).
In
these cases, they eventually learn to take care of most of their own needs,
from an infant, because no one else did. These infants will turn inward and
look to self to meet those needs and not others.
In
addition, they most likely, will have issues: with trust, will hate their own neediness,
are usually detached or aloof, will have some degree of emotional unavailability,
and will possibly find “attachment to things” more satisfying than “attachment
to people”.
Even
though those with secure human
attachments have a better chance for healthily bonding with others than those
who don’t, without God, “sin” will eventually impact even so-called healthy
attachment abilities.
However,
God is in the restoration business and can renew your ability to experience
true intimacy no matter how you started. God is your caregiver now and plans on
meeting every need from this point on. He is ever present and will NEVER leave
you or forsake you (Hebrew 13:5).
You
can rest and finally be protected and safe through his eternal attachment to
you. God is not simply close to you, but you are now “One Spirit” with him through Christ: an undivided whole (1
Corinthians 5:17).
May
God’s power restore your ability to experience true intimacy through his TRANSFORMING
INTIMACY with YOU already. The indwelling Holy Spirit "is" the TRANSFORMING INTIMACY within that TRANSFORMS!
Dr. Pensacola H.
Jefferson
YADA Counseling
Ministry
TRANSFORMING INTIMACY
Phoenix, Arizona
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