Thursday, May 21, 2020

TRANSFORMING INTIMACY:THE "PERFECT" BOND FOR UNITY


                           
THE PERFECT BOND

   GOD, THE GREAT CAREGIVER, Part 1

“…that they might KNOW…..the only true God and Jesus Christ…” (John 17:3)
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The caregiver relationship(s) are the first encounters with attachment and intimacy a new born will experience. At this very tender age an infant will begin to be shaped, influenced, and formed for future intimate relationships where bonding is meant to take place and one human is able to unite with another.  
An infant’s perspective about love (which is meant to be the perfect bond of unity between humans) starts to take shape the moment he or she “draws a response,” for the first time; from their caregiver(s). “...clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony...” (COLOSSIANS 3:14).
The initial attachment between infant and caregiver(s) becomes the template for attachment, for the infant, throughout its lifespan. “…In this world we are like Jesus…” (1 John 4:17 NIV). "…Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven…” (Matthew 5:16 NASB).
This template for attachment will remain a learned way he or she has been taught to be intimate with others. So human caregivers; “...Be … imitators of [Jesus]…” (Hebrews 12:14; Ephesians 5:1 ASV). “… growing in every way more and more like Christ…” (Ephesians 4:14-16 NLT). “...The lord (Jesus) is GOODthere is none good but one, that is, God (the Holy Spirit)...” (Nahum 1:7 & Mark 10:18 KJV).
Another important fact to know about the infant and caregiver attachment relationship is that it will demonstrate mutuality. “…A new commandment I give unto you, That ye LOVE ONE ANOTHER; AS I HAVE LOVED YOU, that ye also love one another…” (John 13:34 KJV
Mutuality is attachment in action, where infant and caregiver(s) equally contribute to the intimate relationship through the “draw a response” and “react to stimuli” behaviors. "…In everything, therefore, TREAT people the same way you want them to TREAT you…” (Matthew 7:12 NASB).
As mentioned in the previous chapter, a baby is born with God-given attachment abilities to both draw a respond from their caregivers and to react to their caregiver’s stimuli.   
These “draw and react” attachment abilities enable infants to elicit loving care, from their caregivers and react to that love as well. “...Call to Me...” (Jeremiah 33:3 NASB). “...He (she can) call on me...” (Psalm 91:15 NASB).
Ideally, the caregiver(s) lovingly meets and provides for the infant’s needs as a demonstration of their commitment to the intimate relationship between them. “...I will answer you...” (Jeremiah 33:3 NASB). “...I will answer him(her and) will be with him(her) in trouble...” (Psalm 91:15 NASB).
In order for a loving, intimate attachment to take place, both the infant and the caregiver(s), preferably, contribute to interactions that strengthen and reinforce this powerful, intangible bond of unity between them. “...Call to Me and I will answer you...” (Jeremiah 33:3 NASB). “...He (she) call on me and I will answer him(her) will be with him (her) in trouble...” (Psalm 91:15 NASB)
The infant and caregiver(s) have different roles in the attachment process, but both roles are equally important in order for the bonding process to actually take place. “… I am the vine, you are the branches…” (John 15:4-6 NASB)
The caregiver, however, has the responsibility of knowing and paying attention to the infant’s need, especially when he or she “draws a response” from them. “…God is the one who provides …” (2 Corinthians 9:10-13 KJV). ”... ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you...” (John 15:7 KJV).I will supply all your NEED” (John 12:32 KJV). “…God will generously PROVIDE all you need…” (2 Corinthians 9:8 NLT).
Mutuality in this phase is where the infant simply draws a response and the caregiver responds. The infant draws a response by making vocal sounds, showing emotions, or through body language. “…You can ask for anything ...Yes, ask me for anything ...” (John 14:12-14 NLT).
The caregiver(s) responds through calming, soothing, comforting, or touching behaviors. .... and I will do it...” (John 14:12-14 NLT).
The caregiver(s) communicates to the infant that it’s okay to have needs and those needs are important. Need is an intimacy building block. I will supply all your NEED” (John 12:32 KJV).
The caregiver joyfully and lovingly meets the infant’s needs. “…God will generously PROVIDE all you need…” (2 Corinthians 9:8 NLT).
It “feels good” (oxytocin released in the brain) to be needed. The infant's needs gives the caregiver purpose and makes them “feel good” too (oxytocin released) to be able to meet the needs of the infant.
Need is an intimacy building block of attachment. “...Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom...” (Luke 12:32 NASB). “...it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom...” (Luke 12:32 NLT).
Eventually, as the infant develops, the caregiver(s) begins to gently and lovingly teach the infant how to regulate some of their own internal needs.
The caregiver helps the infant regulate internal needs as a way to prepare them to self-regulate, when necessary, in the future. “grow in the GRACE and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Timothy 3:18 NIV).
The purpose of teaching an infant to self-regulate “some” of their own internal needs is to teach them aspects of healthy, emotional and physical care.
The purpose of having healthy, emotional and physical care is so they will not become overly needy or out of balance in their dependence upon others to always meet their every need. “...love your neighbor AS yourself...” (Matthew 22:39 NLT). "…In everything, therefore, TREAT people the same way you want them to TREAT you…” (Matthew 7:12 NASB). “...love others AS WELL as you love yourself...” (Matthew 22:39 MSG).
The caregiver(s) wants the infant to know ALL their internal, emotional and physical needs are important.  Therefore, by teaching the infant to self-regulate, he or she will learn to pay attention to their own personal needs as well as learn to know and ask when they need help.
In addition, the infant will learn to trust another person to help them meet those needs when they ask or at least, show empathy and understanding when they are trying to meet those needs themselves. “…All men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another" (John 13:35 NASB). “... …Beloved, let us love one another…” (1 John 4:4-8 KJV). “...love others AS WELL as you love yourself...” (Matthew 22:39 MSG).“… LOVE ONE ANOTHER; AS I HAVE LOVED YOU…” (John 13:34 KJV).
“…Owe no man (woman) any thing, BUT TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER…” (Romans 13:8 KJV). “…For all the law (of God) is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt LOVE THEY NEIGHBOUR AS THYSELF….” (Galatians 5:14 KJV). “...If ye fulfil the royal law according to the scripture, Thou shalt LOVE THEY NEIGHBOUR AS THYSELF, ye do well…” (James 2:8 KJV). “…Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR AS THYSELF. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets…” (Matthew 22:36-40 KJV).
“…In this world we are LIKE JESUS…” (1 John 4:17 NIV).
Examples of self-regulation include: knowing when they are hunger, knowing when they have to go to the bathroom, expressing when they are full or sleepy, etc.  
When the caregiver (s) meets the needs of the infant it teaches them their needs are important or significant and SOMEBODY CARES. “...He careth for you.” (1 Peter 5:7 KJV). “…God..[the holy spirit]... is the one who provides …” (2 Corinthians 9:10-13 KJV).
Therefore, the infant learns “LOVE” will meet my needs. They can trust “LOVE” to empathize and understand their needs within the safety of an intimate, attachment relationship where mutuality exists. “…The LORD “WILL” accomplish (take care of)…that which concerns [you]…” (John 14:31 NASB).
Meeting another person’s needs, with compassion and empathy, is the deepest expression of love. Need builds intimacy between two people. Our most neglected needs are usually our emotional needs.
However, our physical needs usually get the most attention, whether from food, sex, exercise, or whatever.  Many physical attachments make you “feel good”, mainly from the hormone, oxytocin, and not necessarily from a true emotional attachment.
When oxytocin is released during an exchange of physical interactions only, the “feel good,” “…like an angel of light...” masquerades as a love attachment when, in fact, its not.
 “..For such [attachments] are [like] false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into [love] or…the apostles of Christ. And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also be transformed as the ministers of righteousness…” (2 Corinthians 11:13-14 KJV).
Therefore, if the caregiver does not meet the infant’s, emotional or physical, needs; the quality of the infant’s attachment skills will be severely reduced. “…I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t(Romans 7:14-25 NLT).
In addition, if the caregiver does not fully participate in the initial bonding relationship, the attachment will be dysfunctional at best. “…This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me…” (Mark 7:6 KJV).   
And the God-given attachment ability, within the infant, will be highly impaired and the quality of his or her skills, regarding intimacy with others, will be seriously impacted. “…I want to do what is right, but I can’t(Romans 7:14-25 NLT).
Wherever the caregiver(s) and infant attachment is broken, it will affect intimacy skills, for the infant, from that point, going forward. “…I want to do what is right, but I can’t(Romans 7:14-25 NLT).
The infant will grow and develop experiencing attachment and intimacy as untrustworthy, undependable, without empathy or compassion, without understanding, with a price tag, and not mutually enriching. “…The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to [the sin nature]…” (Romans 7:14-25 NLT).
God-given attachment abilities for the infant, especially in regard to emotional needs, are locked away and are deemed to be unreliable or of no use. An infant that locks away his or her God-given attachment abilities for eliciting love will most likely reject, ignore, distant themselves, become emotionally unavailable or totally unaware of attachment opportunities.
These infants may grow up unable to attach in healthy ways. However, because of the universal sin nature, “most” people may be inept at healthy attachment on some level. “…The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to [the sin nature]. … Who will free me from this life that is dominated by [dysfunction]?” (Romans 7:14-25 NLT).
Even the best of parents, can damage the infant and caregiver attachment, especially if they don’t recognize the purpose of the attachment bond for what it was really meant to be.
Human attachments are better between infant and caregiver (s) when God’s standard of love forms the bond. God’s love “….is the perfect bond of unity…” (Colossians 3:15 KJV).
God’s love never fails and will outlast any other lesson the infant will ever learn “...Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled....” (1 Corinthians 13: 8-10 MSG). “...love will last forever!...” (1 Corinthians 13:8 NLT). “...Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love...” (1 Corinthians 13:13 NLT).
If a person is trained, from an infant, to go the path of loving attachments, even when he or she gets old; they won’t depart from it “...Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it...” (Proverbs 22:6 NLT).
If your child is taught the love of God, within the infant and caregiver attachment, “…GREAT shall be [their] peace...” (Isaiah 54:13 KJV).
Children are said to be a heritage or gift from God “...Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him...” (Psalm 127:3 NLT).
We understand “...every good gift, and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights….” (James 1:17 KJV). Too often we see reasons for having a baby from a very narrow perspective.
People have children for many reasons, such as: to create a family, add to the human race, to save a relationship, to have someone to care for them when they get older, to take away their loneliness, to alleviate boredom, to give their parents grandchildren, to get on welfare or stay on welfare, to have someone to leave their possessions to, its traditional, they like kids, to give purpose to their life, or a number of other reasons.
None of those reasons are bad per se, but it will cause you to raise and train that child, if possibly, for your reasons only and not God’s!
The most important reason a child is gifted to you is to love and be loved. An infant is born ready to fulfil their part in the attachment relationship, but the caregiver may not be ready.
However, the bible teaches Christian parents to “…bring [their children]… up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord...” (Ephesians 6:4). The key phrase here is the “….nurture and admonition……of the LORD...”
It means to train them in the way of love, correction, and discipline and for the same reason God does his children; holiness. Remember, God disciplines his children so “…that [they] might be partakers (participants) of his holiness….” (Hebrews 12:10 KJV).
“...If you are not disciplined – and everyone undergoes discipline – then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters [of God] at all...” (Hebrews 12:8 NIV).
God’s discipline is a nurturing and loving correction. “….For whom the Lord loveth he CORRECTETH……” (Proverbs 3:12 KJV). 
If you are “...blessed [through God’s discipline,]…” (Job 5:17) then your children will be blessed through your discipline. 
Therefore, children are a heritage or gift from God trusted to individuals to nurture them, first of all, through the infant and caregiver attachment. And second, to train them up for holy, loving, and righteous living.
“..Therefore shall ye lay up these my words in your heart and in your soul, and bind them for a sign upon your hand, that they may be as frontlets between your eyes. And ye shall teach them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. And thou shalt write them upon the door posts of thine house, and upon thy gates: That your days may be multiplied, and the days of your children, in the land which the Lord sware unto your fathers to give them, as the days of heaven upon the earth...” (Deuteronomy 11:18-19 KJV).
God gifted the infant to the caregiver(s), for two reasons that are rarely or ever emphasized in the pulpit or other literature.  First, the caregiver is given the opportunity to walk in God’s shoes by providing for the needs of the infant; and second the caregiver is given the opportunity to witness how their own needs are to be met and received, by God, through the infant.
The human caregiver has the responsibility for providing for the needs of the infant by: picking the baby up when he or she cries, cuddling them, feeding them, massaging them, kissing them, playing with them, holding or rocking them, singing to them, changing their diaper, talking to them, reading them a story, or taking a nap with them. All these activities take care of the emotional and physical needs of the child while enriching the attachment relationship.
The greater the infant and caregiver attachment, the greater chances the infant will have to experience close, healthy intimate relationships throughout childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. 
When the caregiver(s) recognizes the most important reasons for having a child is to: bond with them through God’s love, “…the perfect bond of unity…” (Colossians 3:14 KJV) and to raise them in the “…nurture and admonition of the LORD” (Ephesians 6:14 KJV); then the “gift” has a higher purpose.
Love is humanity’s most important need and when the caregiver provides a healthy  human bond with the infant it gives them a fair chance to find intimate relationships with others in the future; and most importantly, with God.
Since trust, for meeting one’s personal needs, is developed in healthy intimate human bonds; it has been the most abused.
An infant “draws a response” from the caregiver, the caregiver will either respond or not respond. From the first time, an infant elicits the caregiver for a love response, trust either awakens or trust remains asleep.
If a trusting bond never takes place between the infant and caregiver, the long-term affect will be devastating for the infant.
The infant is totally dependent on the caregiver(s) for EVERYTHING, especially love. The lack or level of love behaviors, provided by the caregiver, will profoundly impact the infant’s experiences with intimate relationships for the rest of the lives.
I believe a child must attach to something and even if it’s dysfunctional, an enduring, although impaired, intimacy binds the infant with the caregiver.
The caregiver’s role, good or bad, creates an attachment in which the infant emerges with patterns of “learned” bonding skills that are either wholesome or damaging to their well-being.
Regardless, of how the infant emerges, their initial attachment skills were totally influenced by their caregiver(s).
Poor attachment skills are linked to many behavioral problems, illnesses, suicides, identity crises, abuses, generational predispositions, repeated relationship issues, etc.
The bigger problem is not necessarily “IF” the infant is attached to the caregiver, but is the attachment healthy or unhealthy?
Infants experiencing unhealthy attachments with caregivers may eventually find intimate relationships unpleasant or consider them unsafe or undesirable.
If the caregiver’s foundation for love attachments is impaired, so will the infant’s love attachments be impaired. Dysfunctional love attachments, for the infant, will follow unless there is a miraculous intervention.
The more dysfunctional the attachment, between infant and caregiver, the more dysfunctional intimate attachments, for the infant, will be in the future.
The bible says, “…ye must be born again...” (John 3:7).  God said you “must” be born again and thus start life as if it’s just beginning. God wants you to live as the “…new creation...” you have become in Christ (1 Corinthians 5:17).
You have a new nature now and have become an entirely different person. God provided this new birth through his Son and it has totally changed EVERYTHING about you through the power of his indwelling Holy Spirit. “…The (indwelling) Holy Spirit gives birth to SPIRITUAL LIFE …” (John 3:6 NLT). “…The (indwelling) Spirit of God dwell in you…” (Romans 8:9 KJV).
“…If any man (woman) be in Christ, he(she) is a NEW CREATURE ” (2 Corinthians 5:17 KJV). “… [New creations]… are HIS workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works …” (Ephesians 2:10 KJV).
As a new creation, you “…become as little children…” (Matthew 18:3 KJV). Children, during infancy, have the ability to “draw a response” from their caregiver (s) and “react to their stimuli.”
The infant, therefore, uses their God-given attachment abilities to get their needs met by drawing the caregiver’s response.
God purposely send infants into the world with “needs” and hardwires them to elicit for those needs from their caregiver. Therefore, the infant will “need and depend” on the caregiver to respond to them.
The infant has “needs” that spring from a primary “need” for loving care. Needs are something that is required or essential.
Further, what is required or essential, for the infant, is “dependent” upon the caregiver. In other words, the infant is dependent, helpless, and at the mercy of the caregiver to survive. 
Caregivers have the role of meeting the needs of the infant and are to represent a reliable source, to the infant, for getting those needs met.
A Godly caregiver recognizes the child as a gift and will allow God to “…worketh in [them]… to both will and to do of his good pleasure...” (Philippians 2:13 KJV).
God designed the infant and caregiver(s) to attach to one another in a mutual exchange of bonding behaviors that release the hormone, oxytocin and causes them to “feel good” within the intimate relationship they share.
It seems as if God wanted intimate relationships to “feel good” and be one of the motivations for desiring bonding experiences.
This “feel good” attachment enriches, reinforces, and heightens the intangible and powerful love bond.
Christians understand that God’s love is an essential part of a”… perfect bond…” of attachment (Colossians 3:14).
God’s love is not like human love, so Christian caregivers will allow God’s kind of love, to empower them, in the attachment relationship with the infant. The bible tells us, “…A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken...” (Ecclesiastes 4:12 NLT).  
Since God’s love is the most powerful BOND available to mankind; it is the primary need for the infant. The caregiver, God’s “vessel of honor”, supplies the infant’s need for a Godly love attachment (2 Timothy 2:21).
When God is included in the infant and caregiver attachment, “…it is not easily broken…” (Ecclesiastes 4:12 NLT).
Attachment actually offers the best opportunity to experience a Godly bond within the infant and caregiver’s intimate relationship. Especially if the caregiver “…put[s] on love, which is the perfect BOND of unity...” (Colossians 3:14 NASB); and, “…[if the caregiver]is joined unto the Lord [and] is one spirit [with him]…” (1 Corinthians 6:17 KJV).
In order to include God in the attachment relationship, between infant and caregiver; the caregiver must, first, be joined to God. “...But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit...” (1 Corinthians 6:17 KJV).  
“…God is love…” (1 John 4:8 KJV).  According to the scriptures, the MARK of one of God’s vessels is that they would “…have love (God’s kind of love) one (caregiver) to another (infant)” (John 13:35 KJV).
Godly caregivers would make a point of demonstrating a holy love attachment with their infant in “…like manner…”as God has loved them (John 5:19 KJV).
If God’s love is the “…perfect bond of unity…” between the caregiver and God, then the caregiver knows it will be the “…perfect bond…” between their infant and themselves.
God’s love is a higher quality of love. The more the caregiver comes to know God’s kind of love for themselves; the easier it will be to transmit that love to their infant.
The bible says, “...We love, because he first loved us...” (1 John 4:19 ASV). Likewise, in the infant and caregiver attachment, the infant will love, because the caregiver first loves him or her.
It is important to examine how the caregiver’s love should reflect God’s love in the intimate attachment relationship with the infant.  Corinthians chapter thirteen says, “...Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, Love never fails...” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 NIV).  
God’s kind of love is the safest, most secure and protective love we know. It is a reliable source for the caregiver and for the attachment bond with their infant.
Love, the perfect BOND, keeps the caregiver joined to the Lord through the “One Spirit” relationship and empowers them to provide a supply of intimate love to their infant.
The caregiver’s attachment with God will make them feel safe and secure. God’s love is patient and his “…..lovingkindness endureth for ever…” (Psalm 106:1, Psalm 100:5, 1 Chronicles 16:34 KJV). God’s love is kind and “….[he] careth for you… (1 Peter 5:7 KJV).
God’s love is never rude, but gracious. God’s love is not self-seeking, but self-sacrificing (John 3:16).  God’s love is not easily angered , but peaceful. God’s love will NEVER fail or end, but goes on eternally (1 Corinthians 13:8).  
The caregiver’s healthy, intimate, attachment relationship with God will be a template for a healthy, intimate, attachment relationship with their infant.
The role of the caregiver can be learned through God’s role as caregiver to them. As God’s child, the human caregiver is already attached to God, the ultimate caregiver, and is “One Spirit” with him or her (1 Corinthians 6:17).
Therefore, the relationship with God will empower, the caregiver, to be shaped for future intimate relationships where the “...perfect bond of love...” "IS” the attachment.
 If the caregiver is “new creation,” they have been made ready to experience intimate relationships “through” Christ.  HALLELUYAH!!
God, the caregiver, is bonded to human caregivers, through Christ, and they are “One Spirit” with HIM (1 Corinthians 6:17).
The BOND, with God, the Holy Spirit, is the holiest and most loving attachment relationship and it is restored.
God is attached to the human caregiver through HIS “...love...the perfect BOND of unity...” (Colossians 3:14 NASB).  
The human caregiver has a new template for forming intimate attachments from the BOND they share with God through Christ.
The human caregiver and God, the Holy Spirit, are in an intimate relationship, where bonding takes place because “....[they]... are joined unto the Lord [and have become] …one spirit [with him.]” (1 Corinthians 6:17 KJV).
God, the Caregiver, SETS the standard for INTIMATE that can become bonded with HIS kind of love.

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