THE MIRACLE OF GOD'S "BONDING" LOVE!
“…LOVE…THE PERFECT BOND OF UNITY….”
(Colossians 3:14).
*
I often talk about God’s
transforming love, but God wants to take you a little deeper, today, by talking about
transforming intimacy. Before you can really enjoy God’s transforming love, God
wants you to awaken to your restored, innate, God-given ability to bond through
his “One Spirit” relationship with
you (1 Corinthians 6:17).
In Hebrew, according to Strong’s
concordance 5596, the word for attach is saphach
and means to join or mix. “But he
that is joined (attached) unto the Lord is ONE SPIRIT” (1 Corinthians 6:17
KJV).
A baby is born with innate, God-given
attachment abilities they can use to draw a respond from their
caregivers and to react to their stimuli. These God-given attachment abilities
can be witnessed during the interchanges between the primary caregiver(s) and
the infant.
We understand this to be mutuality where caregiver and infant
maintain an ongoing reciprocity of giving and receiving pure, intimate love
from one to another.
When the infant “draws a response” from the caregiver, he or she is communicating
they “need” the caregiver’s love and
care. When the infant “reacts to the
caregiver’s stimuli,” he or she is communicating they are responding to and receiving their love and care.
On the other side, the caregiver
communicates to the infant that they will lovingly meet their every need and will
affectionately love them to the best of their ability.
Even though, the caregiver and infant have
different roles in the mutuality relationship, both roles express and reveal
the reciprocal bonds, between them, that form a unique type of intimate attachment.
In healthy attachments, roles may be
different, yet equally important for supplying, each participant, with the
responses and reactions needed for bonding with love, “….the perfect BOND
of unity…” (1 Corinthians 6:17 NASB).
In their different roles and in different
ways, the caregiver and infant are loving each another and being loved; thus making
LOVE the primary, intangible bond between them.
Again, “…Love….the perfect BOND of unity…” (1
Corinthians 6:17 NASB).
Both parties are highly impacted in this
very intimate and mutual interchange. The infant is impacted by the way the
caregiver responds to his or her needs; and the caregiver is impacted by the way
the infant reacts to his or her love and care.
Caregiver and infant must both be
receptive to one another in a mutually cooperative way so that each party will
fully benefit from the attachment relationship.
This mutual interchange between infant and
caregiver is one of the purest human forms of intimacy between one human being
and another. It also serves as a model for the way we are to bond in future intimate
relationships.
Unfortunately, it is rare that the infant
and caregiver maintain such a pure and open attachment to one another, even
though in some rare cases they may.
In order to understand the adverse impact
of detachment or lack of intimacy in so-called adult attachment relationships
an adult may need to examine his or her inabilities to bond to people through
the lens of earlier attachments.
As mentioned before, a baby is born with
God-given attachment abilities they use to draw
a respond from their caregivers and to
react to their caregiver’s stimuli. “Drawing a response” from caregivers assist infants
in getting their need for love and care met.
And, “reacting to stimuli” from caregivers
assist infants in responding to their love and care. In addition, the caregiver’s
responses and stimuli (interactions) assist them in communicating their love
and care to the infant
The caregiver and infant attachment is so
critical that God included a hormone called “oxytocin” that enhances the
bonding experience. Oxytocin is often called the "love" hormone. Oxytocin is said to
be a very powerful chemical, in the brain, that highly contributes to pairing,
bonding, or attaching during many social interchanges.
Oxytocin is also thought to be released during
the bonding times, stimulating the caregiver and infant’s oxytocin systems, to biologically
or physically influence them to repeat the attachment behaviors over and over again,
In the beginning, the infant “need and depends” on the caregiver’s love
and care; and thus the caregiver supplies the infant’s “needs and supports them”
with their love and care.
This mutual interchange is attachment in
action and oxytocin is released during this process as a result of the ongoing bonding
behaviors between infant and caregiver(s).
In fact, oxytocin supposedly boosts the
bonding between the infant and caregiver(s) which heavily influences their
desire to attach, with one another, over and over again.
Oxytocin not only seems to motivate the
attachment between infant and caregiver, but it is said to produce a “feel
good” affect in the brain; experienced as peace, calmness, and well-being in
the infant.
This God-given hormone, oxytocin, obviously
heightens bonding, which inspires and enriches the intimate attachment between
infant and caregiver(s).
At this tender time in an infant’s life, -
getting their needs met in a healthy balanced way and learning to depend on another
person to supply those needs – is their first contact and experience with love
and intimacy.
When the loving attachment is dependable,
oxytocin will help make this mutual intimate interchange something one wants to
pursue throughout one’s life.
As a child grows, they no longer “need and
depend” as much as they “need and desire” their caregiver(s). The infant’s need for love never changes, but
dependency upon the caregiver(s) changes into desire for the caregiver. You often
hear children say: “I want Mommy” or
“I want Daddy” or “I want you.”
When an infant’s stops depending on the
caregiver(s) and starts “wanting” the caregiver (s); he or she is actually
saying my need for your love is not
something I simply rely on, but something that is essential to me. In other
words, it is the love or the
intangible tie that has become a necessity for the child.
It is important to note, when the infant
and caregiver totally give themselves over to the attachment relationship it
can become highly addictive, especially for the naïve and impressionable infant.
The innocent and vulnerable infant starts out “depending” on the caregiver.
We as adults know that anything we come to
depend on or give ourselves over to completely and it gives us a “feel good”
experience, like oxytocin does, it can easily become an addiction.
From the very beginning of his or her life,
an infant needs love and uses its God-given attachment abilities to draw a response from their caregiver(s). The purpose of “drawing a response” from their caregivers
is to elicit love and experience that “feel good” high from the loving attachment.
The infant and caregiver attachment is the
most critical bond of an individual’s entire life in regard to intimate, loving
relationships. How a caregiver responds to the infant from the very first moment of interaction will determine the child’s ability
to engage in loving, healthy bonding, or intimate relationships going forward.
When an infant “draws a response,” the caregiver will normally do one of the
following things: pick the baby up, cuddle them, breast or bottle feed them, massage
them, kiss them, play with them, hold or rock them, sing to them, change their
diaper, talk to them, read them a story, or take a nap with them. All these
activities raise oxytocin levels in both infant and caregiver(s); male and
female. And at the same time heighten the intimate attachment.
When healthy attachment doesn’t take
place, the “feel good” hormone is not produced, but instead the “feel bad”
hormone, cortisol, is produced instead.
The infant’s attachment or mutual interchange with their caregiver(s) is
experienced as stress. Cortisol levels increase stress, lack of well-being, ambivalence,
anxiety, fear, and insecurity.
Even though the infant “need and depends” entirely
upon the caregiver(s), he or she learns at this very tender age that even though they
may need their caregiver(s) they
cannot depend on them. The infant
never moves to the next stage of “need and desire.”
In fact, they eventually move to a stage of NOT needing the caregiver(s)
at all, nor desiring them.
The God-given attachment abilities,
hardwired into the child, never leave them, and must find a way to be expressed
and utilized. In my opinion, when the infant attempted to “draw a response” from caregiver(s)
and couldn’t elicit the love they needed, they were forced to seek elsewhere to
get those needs met. And their innate attachment abilities demanded an
attachment to something if NOT someone.
Because of the infant’s powerful, God-given
attachment abilities; attachment of some kind must take place.
Attachment produces oxytocin and oxytocin makes you “feel good” both
emotionally and physically. It also helps create a much needed attachment or bond
of some kind thru available social interchanges.
Satan will use the infant’s need for
attachment to gather disciples for himself. He will fulfill the infant’s “need”
by influencing him or her to “depend” and eventually “desire” his worldly
offerings of attachment.
The normal “need and depend” on the caregiver
attachment becomes abnormal “cravings and dependency” for Satan’s kinds of
attachments.
Satan knows humanity has a POWERFUL need
to attach to LOVE, which is God and he wants to kill, steal, and destroy any
chance of that bond taking place. “… for God is love…” (1 John 4:8 KJV) and “
…the thief cometh….to steal, and to kill,
and to destroy…” (John 10:10 KJV)
When an infant “draws a response” and the
caregiver doesn’t respond, Satan will influence one of the following ongoing,
negative experiences: neglect, lack of affection, no comfort, no attention, no
consistent care, no holding or rocking, no stories, no talking or reading, no
playing, but instead their are periods of abuse, or impatience. All these activities raise
cortisol levels in the infant and they learn to ignore their need for attachment.
I
believe and it is my opinion, after reading and studying
all the research on attachment, that we were all meant to become attached to “one”
thing and that’s love. More importantly, the LOVE OF GOD. The caregiver is not the
source of that love, but is the vessel or channel for that love.
Infants are hardwired with attachment abilities
and cognitive research has concluded them to be competent and capable
individuals, even as babies. Thus babies find a way, with or without, the
proper assistance from caregiver(s) to survive the “lack of caregiver attachment love.”
The infant is left unprotected, without a proper attachment, and Satan will
influence him or her any way he pleases.
Furthermore, if healthy human attachment
never takes place, research says, some infants grow up to experience ill-health,
both emotionally and physically and have multiple behavioral issues. In
addition, they normally do not form lasting intimate relationships.
These babies probably learned early on to
self-soothe, not from a healthy, supported, guided way, but from an unhealthy, neglected,
and misguided way. Satan will take
advantage of this vulnerable state of being and will influence attachment
through the evil side of oxytocin and social interchanges.
Satan
will eventually lure the unprotected infants to raise oxytocin levels by pairing
or attaching with food or drugs or alcohol, or sex or something else; to the
point things, not people, become essential.
Satan’s intentions are to kill any chance
for the infant to know true love and will set the infant up for failure in
regard to loving relationships as soon as possible.
I believe people will attach to something and some attachments are not obviously bad
per se, but they may not be spirituality profitable or edifying (1 Corinthians
10:23).
Socially acceptable attachments can be
work, exercise, shopping, caffeine, computer games, watching television, food,
or body image; just to name a few.
The infant will be attached to something,
but it won’t be true Love. However, the
infant may come to believe its love or some form of love, because it’s a “feel
good” attachment.
Therefore, the infant will engage in
available attachment behaviors that make him or her “feel good.” One of the
primary, available attachments, for infants, is eating. Food can become a
patterned response, for the infant who lacks a healthy attachment, which can
negatively impact them for the rest of their life.
According to the World Health Organization’s
June 2016 fact sheet over a billion adults (18+ years old) are overweight and
millions of them are actually considered obese. When you are overweight or
obese excessive fat accumulation can negatively impact your overall health.
Other infant activities will offer some
level of so-called social interaction and will most likely raise oxytocin,
making the infant “feel good” while doing it and therefore, encourage them to
repeat the behavior.
Some of these behaviors can and will
become addicted in an infant’s quest to “feel good” from the thing or activity in
which they have attached themselves.
The thing or object, the infant,
eventually, uses to make themselves “feel better,” replaces the
infant/caregiver attachment. Replacing the infant/caregiver attachment with a
thing or object will not be healthy going forward for the infant.
When attached to things or objects, the
“feel good” moments don’t last or it reduces in intensity over time. The longer
individuals are attached to a thing or object, the more it demands and the less
it satisfies.
The reason the thing or object becomes
less satisfying is because individuals adapt to it or it becomes tolerant and
therefore, less pleasurable.
The attachment to the thing or object,
though less pleasurable, continues through the process of habituation. The
“feel good” pleasure is highly reduced over time, but the attachment to the
thing or object is now in an uncontrollable state. I
have been there.
For instance, I became attached to sweets
(candy), and over time I had to eat more and more to “feel good” and it
satisfied me less and less while destroying my health at the same time.
I became twice my original weight and was
so attached I couldn’t let it go. I became dependent on sweets first and then sweets
became, I thought, essential for my survival. I couldn’t imagine living without
sweets and life looked bleak at the thought of giving sweets up.
What made me give sweets up is when I
realized I was more dependent on sweets to satisfy my need to attach than to God
and I couldn’t stop.
At the time, that was the one thing I
thought I couldn’t do through Christ who strengthens me. Mainly because I
didn’t want to and I didn’t really believe I could after so many failed
attempts to give sweets up.
According to research, there are a
multitude of reasons people become seriously attached to something, but the
need for emotional comfort is usually a part of the underlying explanations.
Socially acceptable attachments, such as
the one I had are easier to continue, because so many other people have a
similar problem. God had to seriously intervene to help me break the unhealthy
attachment.
In the healthy, mutual interchange,
between infant and caregiver(s), the emotional and physical bonding takes place
at the same time and oxytocin is released abundantly through the various
bonding activities.
When healthy human attachment takes place,
it provides the infant with ample opportunity to become intimate with
significant others and build or develop attachment skills especially for future
encounters.
Without it, intimacy can become an
attachment to a much beloved object or idol (an idol can also be a particular kind
of person the infant has come to believe will meet a specific need).
An unhealthy attachment makes you “feel
good” too. Everything I did and everywhere I went I made sure I had my sweets
or knew how to get them. As long as I had my sweets I could deal with anything
in life. Sweets made me feel safe and secure and I kept them close by at all
times.
Whenever I consumed them I always made
sure I had enough and didn’t run out until I was satisfied. It was the taste of
the sweets that made me “feel good.” And no matter what I went through or the
trouble I faced, sweets were there for me.
My attachment to sweets was all consuming
and deeply prevailing to the point they had gained mastery over me. I was
enslaved to sweets. “Don't
you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of
the one you obey…?” (Romans 6:16 NIV).
Without healthy human attachments, at any age, the hardwired, God-given
attachment abilities will still demand and seek an attachment.
The sad thing about my attachment to
sweets is that in my immediate social environment, during that time, I had no safe
human to bond with, but the NEED to attach had to be satisfied.
The interference of Satan in the
attachment process is solely for the purpose of killing, stealing and
destroying all opportunities for loving attachments between people. And to get
individuals to attach to something that offers only the illusion of love.
For instance, illicit sex, releases oxytocin,
which makes you “feel good” and creates an illusion of a love attachment.
Whenever we attach to something or someone, without love, it is a “false”
attachment and intimacy will be elusive at best.
Especially, since sex is ONLY physical and
with the release of oxytocin one can believe it’s emotional too, since it made
them, momentarily, "FEEL good."
There are many people who are only sexually,
not emotionally, close to another person and experience deep loneliness.
Closeness is a nearness to another person,
being “One Spirit” is an undivided
wholeness, particularly to God through Christ (1 Corinthians 5:17).
People accept many different levels of
intimacy, some close and some distance, but if that is all they’ve ever known
they have nothing better to compare it with. Dysfunctional attachment is better
than no attachment at all, even if it’s lonely sometimes.
God offers an intimacy many of us have
never known and aren’t even aware it exists. If God is not your standard for
lovingly attaching to others, its not real love, but to the individual
it may be.
How ever you’ve learned to attach - to a particular
thing or type of person - is what you have come to believe is a love
attachment. In addition, what you have come to believe is a love attachment has
become essential to your survival.
God is more intimate with you than you are
with yourself. God uses this intimate knowledge
to love you in the deepest manner and in order to supply your need.
Some believers are still running and
chasing and looking for that “One” intimate attachment and have not found it
yet. God is what you are looking for, so when you do find an intimate
attachment you will truly know how to bond with him or her.
No matter how old you are or how long it’s
been since you’ve had a real human attachment, or if you never had one at all;
God wants, desires, and is your new loving caregiver.
God wants you to experience and try out
your restored, God-given attachment abilities on him. God is always in close
proximity to you, you will feel eternally protected since he is always your
refuge, you are forever safe in his everlasting love, and God is “always” with
you (Romans 13:5).
Humanity’s greatest need is true love. It
is usually easier to elicit physical love than emotional love from others. It
is also easy to mistake experiencing physical attachment for an emotional
attachment too; since oxytocin is released in the brain producing the “FEEL
good” emotion.
Without true emotional attachment, the “FEEL
good” moment is reduced to a physical attachment experience only. The emotional
attachment, most likely, is missing altogether. Only Godly love provides the
appropriate, physical and emotional, attachment bond
In
order to experience true Godly love, we must first accept we are “new creations” in Christ Jesus (2
Corinthians 5:17).
Old ways of attaching with others have
passed away and God has restored your original God-given attachment abilities
like NEW (2 Corinthians 5:17).
Therefore, like a new born baby, we are
brand new and can freely attach to the loving God, who is now our eternal Caregiver.
God, your new Caregiver, loves and cares
for you deeply. He wants to heal every emotional pain you have ever experienced
in your entire life. God cares about your heart more than anything else.
The heart has been more damage than
anything else, not just with sin, but with pain, heartache, lack of love, disappointments,
mistakes, rejection, abuse, betrayal, misunderstanding, lack of attachment
relationships, and many other hurts.
However, remember, God will “…restoreth [your] soul…” (Psalms 23:3
KJV). And God is a “…restorer of thy life…”
(Ruth 4:15 KJV).
God restores your God-given attachment
abilities so you can enjoy and receive his everlasting love. “For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of the wounds, saith
the Lord…” (Jeremiah 30:17 KJV).
There is nothing you do or nothing you
have done that will stop God from loving you (Romans 8:31-39). God’s “…grace is sufficient for you…” and his love covers the past, the present,
and the future sins and mistakes (2 Corinthians 12:9 NASB).
In fact, his “…love covereth a multitude of sins…” (Proverbs 10:12, 1 Peter 4:8
ASV). No matter where sin has increased in your life over the past few hours, days,
weeks, months, or years, God’s grace trumps it, because “…mercy
triumphs over judgement.”
(Romans 5:20, James 2:13 NASB). “…where sin increased, grace abounded all the more…” (Romans 5:20
NASB).
God doesn’t just want you to know “about”
his love as a collection of facts, but he wants you to “know” his love as an authentic
attachment experience.
God’s love is the perfect “bond” of unity,
which is the truest form of intimacy. “But
he that is joined (attached) unto the Lord is ONE SPIRIT” (1 Corinthians 6:17 KJV).
When we hear the “good news” of the
gospel, we come to God, because his incredible love draws us (John 6:44).
Like a magnet, our original attachment
abilities are powerfully restored and we can attach to God through Christ. God
so loved each one of us that he sent his magnetic love through his only Son,
Jesus (John 3:16).
When Jesus (the Word) is lifted up from
the earth he causes all men everywhere, that hear and believe to be powerfully
and magnetically drawn to God’s love (John 12:32).
This is a critical moment, for the new
believer, for it is the moment of salvation and it is the moment intimacy is
restored to you through Jesus Christ.
Here is an example of what happens: “One
of those listening was a
woman from the city of Thyatira named Lydia, a dealer in purple cloth. She was a worshiper of God. The Lord OPENED
her heart to respond to Paul's message” (Act 16:14 NIV). “This
is love: not that we
loved God, but that he loved us and
sent his Son as
an atoning sacrifice for our sins” (1 John 4:10 NIV).
Lydia was listening and worshiping when
God “opened” her heart to respond to the “good news” of the gospel through
Paul’s preached message. Paul’s message was about Jesus Christ and his atoning
sacrifice for sins.
The content of Paul’s message lets you
know “…THIS is LOVE…” (1 John 4:10 NIV).
If you didn’t know what love was or don’t know what it is God said, “pay
attention,” “…THIS is LOVE…
[God]… sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins…”
(1 John 4:10 NIV). Meditate on that
truth.
If you noticed, Lydia’s heart had to be opened,
unlocked, released, or unfastened, BEFORE, she could RESPOND to the message of
Love, which we know Paul preached.
Remember, a baby is born with God-given
attachment abilities that enable them to draw
a response from their caregivers and react
to their caregiver’s stimuli.
Also, an infant needs to “draw a response” from their caregivers
in order to bond emotionally. And they need to “react to stimuli” from their
caregivers in order to bond physically.
Lydia was able to “react to stimuli” since
she was a worshiper, but her ability to RESPOND emotionally had to be healed,
thus God restored (opened) her heart.
Lydia’s God-given attachment abilities
were locked away and God released them, so she could RESPOND again to intimate
love!!!
“This is love: not that we loved
God, but that he loved us and sent
his Son… (1 John 4:10). God heals your attachment abilities.
God doesn’t want you to lack anything, especially the ability to enjoy intimate
love. “For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of the wounds, saith
the Lord…” (Jeremiah 30:17 KJV).
Every way in which past attachments have
hurt and wounded you, God will heal every one of them to the last drip drop and
will restore you to emotional health.
God has healed you through Jesus and wants
you, his child, to give every hurtful experience to him and God will absorb it
for you as if it happened to him. Jesus said, “….Verily I say unto you, inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the
least of these, my brethren, YE HAVE DONE IT TO ME.” (Matthew 25:40 KJV).
When you do that (let Jesus absorb it) by
faith, then the pain becomes his and he will avenge those hurtful experiences.
That’s why the bible says, “Avenge
not yourselves, beloved, but give place unto the wrath of God, for it is
written: "Vengeance
belongeth unto to me; I will recompense (repay)," saith the Lord” (Romans 12:19 ASV).
God is protective of ALL his children,
even you, letting no one “…do them wrong...”
and says “….touch not mine anointed (his holy
children who are set apart for his service) and do…[them] no harm.” (Psalm
105:14-15 KJV).
Another example of God taking your hurtful
experiences and absorbing them for you is Paul on the road to Damascus. If you have
ever read the biblical story you know Paul was killing and persecuting God’s
disciples and Jesus took it personally, as if Paul was doing it to him.
“And Saul, yet breathing out threatenings and
slaughter against the disciples of the Lord, went unto the high priest, And desired of him
letters to Damascus to the synagogues, that if he found any of this way,
whether they were men or women, he might bring them bound unto Jerusalem. And
as he journeyed, he came near Damascus: and suddenly there shined round about
him a light from heaven: And he fell to the earth, and heard a voice saying unto him, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou ME? And he said, Who art thou,
Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom
thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.
And he trembling and astonished said, Lord, what wilt thou have me to do? And the Lord
said unto him, Arise, and go into the city, and it shall be told
thee what thou must do. And the men which journeyed with him stood speechless, hearing a voice,
but seeing no man” (Acts 9:1-7 KJV).
God is your new ETERNAL
Caregiver AND HE HAS MIRACULOUSLY RESTORED YOUR ABILITY TO TRULY ATTACH OR BOND TO LOVE AGAIN; HIS LOVE; HIS EVERLASTING LOVE!.
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