PREFACE
TRANSFORMING INTIMACY
“…Life eternal [is to] know … the only true
God and Jesus Christ….” (John 17:3).
*
The
hardest part of writing this book is realizing and accepting how truly intimate
and attached God chooses to be with each of his children. First I researched human
attachment in order to have a stepping stone to understanding the supernatural
attachment we are to experience with God.
Human attachment begins in infancy and is usually experienced between a
baby and its primary caregiver.
There are many theories and explanations
offered by psychologists and professionals regarding attachment which can be
summed in a few words: attachment is simply the intangible ties that connect and
bind one person to another. With healthy human attachment this connection and
bond grows and lasts throughout one’s life.
However, the strength of that
attachment may loosen, weaken, or fade over time with either one or both of the
attached parties. One particular thing stands out in human attachment which is
the desire for one or both parties to be constantly in each other’s presence.
In psychology we have come to believe John Bowlby is the “father of attachment
theory” and it’s true.
Bowlby does offer a model for understanding the
psychology connection and bond regarding human attachment. Bowlby posits that connections and bonds
formed in childhood attachments will impact an individual’s relationships with
others, one way or another, throughout their lifetime.
Bowlby also suggests
that human attachment consists of four important components: proximity, safety,
security, and separation suffering. In other words, the two parties like to
stay close to each other, they feel safe with each other, when they are apart, they
feel secure about each other, and when separated one or both may feel some
stress or anxiety.
However, when healthy human attachments thrive, strengthen,
and flourish, the two parties can enjoy different exploits and emotional
well-being as they engage in many of life’s endeavors. What is unique about
human attachments, especially when one of the parties is an infant, is how the
baby derives comfort and peace simply in the presence of the caregiver alone. Somewhere
along the line, the ability to humanly attach to another is severely damaged
and it is almost impossible to find someone special who you can feel peaceful,
safe, and comforted in their presence.
Without feeling safe and soothed by another
individual’s presence alone; attachment is more a fantasy than a reality.
Attachment is highly related to intimacy since attachment determines how well you
connect and bond with other people. The infant and caregiver attachment, unfortunately,
initiates your ability to be intimate in all other relationships going forward.
Just like there are healthy human attachments there are unhealthy ones too. If
you look at the various human attachments it may help you to understand why you
can’t fully experience the spiritual “One Spirit” attachment God has for you.
God offers a depth of intimacy, which many believers cannot embrace or enjoy, because
their earlier connections and bonds were so remiss. Babies come into the world
with a set of established attachment senses, which enable them to form
attachments with one or more caregivers. God created these infants, with
established attachment senses, in order to connect and bond in a healthy manner,
This period of attachment, between the infant and caregiver, is critical and
without it the ability to be intimate is highly impaired.
Further, in this period, how the caregiver
responds or doesn’t respond to the needs of the infant teaches him or her how
to attach to them and to others. For instance, the infant either learns to
trust and feel safe that his or her needs will be met or learns not to trust nor
feel safe that their needs will be met. In the first scenario intimacy thrives
and in the second intimacy dies. Further, in the second scenario, the infant
does not attach, connect, or bond to their caregiver and thus will not truly
attach, connect, or bond in future relationships.
The infant’s needs were not
met by their caregiver and this lack guides their ability or inability to feel,
think, or expect healthy attachment responses from anyone. Thus a pattern of healthy
or unhealthy intimacy is established. According to psychology, there are four
types of attachments: a secure one where the infant’s needs are met in a
balanced way; an avoidant one were the infant’s needs are met here and there; an
ambivalent one where the infant’s needs are met in an imbalance way; and a
disorganized one where the infant’s needs are met with abuse.
Thus you have
people who have decent attachments with others and those who have disastrous
attachments. What this tells us is that the attachment styles we learned when
we were children, we relive them over and over again in our relationships with
others.
The established attachment senses God created you with, as an infant,
have either been lost altogether or so damaged you only have an inkling of what
they might have been. Human attachments often destroy the original God-given
ability to connect and bond with others. Too many people, believers too,
because of unhealthy attachments and the inability to be truly intimate, depend
upon no one, but themselves.
This lack of attachment to others was the way they
learned to survive without the connections and bonds they were supposed to have
initially with their primary caregivers. In these cases, they learned to take
care of their own needs from an infant and no one else.
In addition, they may
have issues with trust, hate their own neediness, are controlling, prideful,
and will find attachment to things more satisfying than attachment to people.
Even though those with secure human attachments have a better opportunity in
relating to others than those who don’t, sin still somehow impacts their ability
to be intimate by God’s holy standard.
However, God is in the restoration
business and can renew your ability to experience true intimacy no matter how
you started. God is your caregiver now and plans on meeting every need from
this point on. He is ever present and will NEVER leave ever or forsake you.
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| TRANSFORMING INTIMACY |
You
can rest and finally be secure in his attachment to you. God is not simply
close to you, but you are now “One Spirit” with him: an undivided whole. May
God’s love restore your ability to experience true intimacy through his TRANSFORMING
INTIMACY with him,
Dr. Pensacola H.
Jefferson
YADA Counseling
Ministry
Colton’s Point,
Maryland
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