TRANSFORMING INTIMACY (GOD IS YOUR CAREGIVER)

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TRANSFORMING INTIMACY

GOD IS YOUR CAREGIVER

“…that they might KNOW…..the only true God and Jesus Christ…” (John 17:3)

Colosians 3:14

The caregiver(s) relationship(s) is the first encounter with attachment and intimacy a new born will experience. At this very tender age an infant will begin to be shaped, influenced, and formed for future intimate relationships where bonding and connecting are meant to take place.  An infant’s perspective about love (which is supposed to be the perfect bond of unity) is established the moment he or she “stimulates a response” for the first time; from their caregiver(s).

Therefore, the initial attachment between infant and caregiver(s) becomes the template for attachment, for the infant, throughout its lifespan and will remain a concrete way he or she is able to be intimate in other close relationships. Another important fact to know about the infant and caregiver attachment relationship is that it will demonstrate mutuality. Mutuality is attachment in action, where infant and caregiver(s) equally contribute to bonding and connecting behaviors.

MUTUALITY

As mentioned in the previous chapter, a baby is born with God-given attachment abilities to stimulate a respond from their caregivers and to react to their caregiver’s stimuli.   These “response and react” attachment abilities enable infants to elicit emotional love and react to physical love. Ideally, the caregiver(s) lovingly provides the infant with emotional and physical love.

However, in order for a loving attachment to take place, both the infant and the caregiver(s), preferably contribute to the interactions in order to strengthen and reinforce this powerful, intangible bond. The infant and caregiver(s) have different roles in the attachment process, but both are equally important and necessary for bonding to actually take place.

The caregiver, however, has the responsibility of knowing and paying attention to the infant’s needs when he or she “stimulates a response” from them. Mutuality in this phase is where the infant simply stimulates a response and the caregiver responds. The infant stimulates a response by making vocal sounds, showing emotions, or through infant body language. The caregiver(s) bestows a respond by calming, soothing, comforting, or touching behaviors.

The caregiver(s) communicates to the infant that it’s okay to have needs and those needs are important. The caregiver joyfully and lovingly meets the infant’s needs. Eventually, as the infant develops, the caregiver(s) begins to gently and lovingly teach the infant how to regulate some of their own internal needs.

The caregiver helps the infant regulate internal needs as a way to prepare them to self-regulate, when necessary, in the future. The purpose of teaching an infant to self-regulate “some” of their own internal needs is to teach them aspects of healthy, emotional independence; and so they will have healthy (and not overly needy) relationships in the future.

INTERNAL NEEDS

The caregiver(s) wants the infant to know ALL their internal, emotional needs are important.  Therefore, by teaching the infant to self-regulate, he or she will pay attention to their personal needs and learn to trust another person to help them meet those needs or at least, show empathy and understanding when they are trying to meet those needs themselves. Self-regulation eventually will include: knowing when they are hunger, knowing when they have to go to the bathroom, expressing when they are full, or sleepy, etc.  

When the caregiver (s) meets the needs of the infant it teaches them their needs are important or significant and somebody cares. Therefore, the infant learns love will meet my needs (emotional and physical); and they can trust love to empathize and understand their needs within the safety of an intimate, attachment relationship where mutuality exists. Meeting another person’s emotional, not physical, needs is the deepest expression of love. Our most neglected needs are our emotional needs. However, our physical needs usually get the most attention, whether from food, sex, exercise, or whatever. 

If the caregiver(s) does not meet the infant’s, emotional or physical, needs; the quality of attachment will be severely reduced. In addition, if the caregiver does not fully participate in the initial mutuality relationship, the attachment will be dysfunctional at best. And the God-given attachment ability, within the infant, is highly impaired and the quality of his or her skills towards intimacy with another is seriously impacted.

Wherever the caregiver(s) and infant attachment is broken, it will affect intimacy, for the infant, from that point going forward. The infant will grow and develop experiencing attachment and intimacy as untrustworthy, undependable, without empathy, without understanding, and not mutually enriching.

God-given attachment abilities for the infant, especially in regard to emotional needs, are locked away and are deemed to be unreliable or of no use. An infant that locks away his or her God-given attachment abilities for emotions will reject, ignore, or be totally unaware of attachment opportunities.

These adult infant’s may be considered emotional unavailable however, because of sin, most people can be considered emotionally inept on some level. Even the best of parents, can damage the infant and caregiver attachment if they don’t recognize the “gifted” bond for what it was really meant to be.

Human attachment is better between infant and caregiver (s) when God’s standard of love forms the bond. God’s love “….is the perfect bond of unity..” (Colossians 3:15 KJV). God’s love never fails and will outlast any other lesson the budding infant will ever learn (1 Corinthians 13: 8, 13). If an person is trained from an infant to go the way of loving attachments, even when he or she gets old they won’t depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). If your child is taught the love of God, within the infant/caregiver(s) attachment, “…great shall be [their] peace..” (Isaiah 54:13 KJV).

SENT TO LOVE AND BE LOVED

Children are said to be a heritage or gift from God (Psalm 127:3) and we understand “every good gift, and every perfect is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights….” (James 1:17 KJV). Too often we see reasons for having a baby from a very narrow perspective. 

 EXCERPT FROM THE  CHAPTER 

"GOD IS YOUR CAREGIVER" FROM 

BOOK "TRANSFORMING INTIMACY

BY PENSACOLA H JEFFERSON

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