ATTACHMENT
TRANSFORMING INTIMACY
“…LOVE…THE PERFECT BOND OF UNITY….”
(Colossians 3:14).
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| ONE SPIRIT WITH GOD |
In my last book I talk about God’s
transforming love, but God wanted to take you a little deeper by talking about
transforming intimacy. Before you can really enjoy God’s transforming love, God
wants you to awaken to your restored, God-given ability to connect and bond
through his “One Spirit” relationship with you.
In Hebrew, according to Strong’s
concordance 5596, the word for attach is saphach
and means to join or mix. “But he
that is joined (attached) unto the Lord is ONE SPIRIT” (1 Corinthians
6:17 KJV).
A baby is born with God-given attachment abilities
they use to stimulate a respond from their caregivers and to react to
their stimuli. These God-given attachment abilities reflect a “from and to” or
“love and be loved” interchange between the primary caregiver(s) and the infant.
We understand this to be mutuality where caregiver and infant maintain an
ongoing reciprocity of a giving and receiving of pure intimate love from one
another.
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| CAREGIVER AND INFANT''S LOVE INTERCHANGE |
When the infant “stimulates a response”
from the caregiver, he or she is communicating they “need” the caregiver’s love
and care. When the infant “reacts to the caregiver’s stimuli,” he or she is
communicating they are responding to their love and care. On the other side, the
caregiver communicates to the infant that they will lovingly meet their every
need and will affectionately love them to the best of their ability.
Even though, the caregiver and infant have
different roles in the mutuality relationship, both roles create reciprocal
bonds and connections, between them, that form a type of intimate attachment.
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| 1 CORINTHIANS 6:17 |
In healthy attachments, roles may be
different, yet equally important for supplying, each participant, with the
intimacy needed for connecting with love “….the
perfect BOND of unity…” (1 Corinthians 6:17 NASB). In different ways the caregiver and infant are
loving one another and being loved, making LOVE the primary, intangible bond
between them. “…Love….the perfect BOND of
unity…” (1 Corinthians 6:17 NASB).
Both parties are highly impacted in this
very intimate interchange. The infant is impacted by the way the caregiver
responds to his or her needs; and the caregiver is impacted by the way the infant
responds to his or her love and care. Caregiver and infant must be receptive to
one another in a mutually cooperative way so that each party will fully benefit
from the attachment relationship.
This mutual interchange between infant and
caregiver is one of the purest forms of intimacy between one human being and
another and serves as a model for the way we are to bond and connection in
other future intimate relationships.
Unfortunately, it is rare that the growing
infant and caregiver maintain such a pure and open attachment to one another,
even though in some rare cases they do. In order to understand the adverse
impact of detachment or lack of intimacy in so-called close relationships an
adult may need to examine his or her inabilities to bond to people through the
lens of earlier attachments.
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| RESPOND AND REACT |
As mentioned before, a baby is born with
God-given attachment abilities they use to stimulate a respond from
their caregivers and to react to their caregiver’s stimuli. To “stimulate a response” from caregivers
assists infants in taking care of their emotional need for love. And, to “react to
stimuli” from caregivers assists infants in taking care of their physical need
for love. Caregiver’s are fulfilled from providing this emotional and physical
love to the infant
The caregiver and infant attachment is so
critical that God included a hormone called “oxytocin” to enhance the bonding
experience. In other words, oxytocin, is
a powerful chemical, in the brain, that creates pairing or attaching from
social exchanges. Oxytocin is thought to be released during the bonding times
and stimulates the caregiver and infant’s oxytocin systems, which biologically encourages
them to repeat the attachment behaviors over and over again,
The infant “needs and depends” on the
caregiver’s love/care and the caregiver supplies the infant’s “needs and
supports them” with their love/care. This mutual interchange is attachment in
action and oxytocin is released during this process as a result of the ongoing bonding
behaviors between infant and caregiver(s).
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| PHYSICAL LOVE BOND |
In fact, oxytocin boosts the bonding and
connecting between the infant and caregiver(s) which heavily influences their
desire to attach, with one another, over and over again.
Oxytocin not only promotes attachment between
infant and caregiver, but it produces a “feel good” affect in the brain such as
peace, calmness, and well-being. This God-given hormone, oxytocin, heightens
bonding and connecting causing the intimate attachment to be enriched between
infant and caregiver(s).
At this tender time in an infant’s life, -
getting their needs met in a healthy and balanced way and learning to depend on
another person to supply those needs – is their first contact and experience
with love.
When love is dependable and nurturing is
abundant, oxytocin will make this mutual interchange and relationship something
one wants to pursue throughout one’s life.
As a child grows, they no longer “need and
depend” as much as they “need and desire” their caregiver(s). The infant’s need for love never changes, but
dependence on the caregiver(s) turns into desire for the caregiver. You often
hear children say: “I want Mommy” or
“I want Daddy” or “I want you.”
When an infant’s stops depending on the
caregiver(s) and starts wanting the caregiver (s); he or she is actually saying
my need for your love is not something I simply rely on, but something that is
essential to me. In other words, it is the love or the intangible tie or attachment
that becomes a necessity for the child.
From the very beginning of his or her life,
an infant needs love and uses its God-given attachment abilities to stimulate
a response from their caregiver(s).
The purpose of “stimulating a response” from their caregivers is to elicit love.
This is the most critical moment of a
child’s entire life in regard to intimate relationships. How a caregiver(s)
responds to the infant from the very first caregiver-response will determine
the child’s ability to engage in bonding, connecting, attaching, and intimate
relationships with themselves and others going forward.
When an infant “stimulates a response” the
caregiver will do one of the following things: pick the baby up, cuddle them, breast
or bottle feed them, massage them, kiss them, play with them, hold or rock
them, sing to them, change their diaper, talk to them, read them a story, or
sleep with them. All these activities raise oxytocin levels in both infant and
caregiver(s); male and female.
When healthy attachment doesn’t take
place, the “feel good” hormone is not produced, but instead the “feel bad”
hormone, cortisol, is produced instead.
The infant’s attachment or mutual interchange with their caregiver(s) is
experienced as stress. Cortisol levels increase causing stress, lack of
well-being, ambivalence, anxiety, fear, and insecurity.
The infant “needs and depends” entirely on
the caregiver(s), but learns at this very tender age that even though they may need their caregiver(s) they cannot depend on them. The infant never moves
to the next stage of “need and desire.” In fact, they move to a stage of not needing
intimate love at all, nor desiring
it.
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| ONE SPIRIT - UNDIVIDED WHOLE |
The God-given attachment abilities,
hardwired into the child, never leave them, and must find a way to be expressed
and utilized. In my opinion, when the
infant attempted to “stimulate a response” from their caregiver(s) and couldn’t
elicit the love they needed, they were forced to seek elsewhere in order to become
attached to something if NOT someone.
EXCERPT FROM THE CHAPTER
EXCERPT FROM THE CHAPTER
"ATTACHMENT" FROM
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