Monday, September 9, 2019

HOSETTA: FOR BETTER OR "WORSE"; CHAPTER 4


CHAPTER 4

          HOSETTA: FOR BETTER OF WORSE

This people (my covenant people) honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me…” (Mark 7:6 KJV). 

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Hosetta could hear the vows she made, on her wedding day, “for better or WORSE,” but she had no idea what the latter part would look like.

Just because she was understanding about George’s addiction doesn’t mean she was prepared for how it would affect her life or his.

She attempted to be understanding because she loved her husband, but that doesn’t mean she understood what being an addict meant for him, or for her or for their family, or their future together.

For the first two years, Hosetta kept George’s addiction locked inside her heart. She honestly didn’t know what to do, what to think, or how to handle it.

She could no longer handle the revelations or details of his addiction, he shared with her. Eventually, she asked him not to tell her the details anymore.  

When they were simply friends it didn’t seem as bad, but now it was becoming TOO much. Now she was his wife and the mother of his child.

They also shared the same space now. And she was finding dirty magazines, sex movies, sex toys and condoms all over the house. Once she’d caught him masturbating and it was humiliating for him and her. She threw up in the bathroom.

She was the typical co-dependent trying to control the addiction. In the beginning and in an attempt to stop him, she threw away his pornography, watched him constantly to see if he was flirting, and questioned him every time he left the house.

Her normally trusting nature had taken a hike. She judged him. She was angry at him. She would ignore him. She would stop speaking to him, regularly and she tried to keep her distance all in an effort to make him stop.

George’s normally honest nature had also taken a hike. He started to lie to her like he’d never done before.

He also became critical. His criticism made Hosetta feel bad and she was turned off about hanging out with George any more. He was FULL of strife and absolutely NO FUN to spend time with. 

The addiction was changing them and changing their marital relationship. Arguing and constant strife seemed to be a permanent visitor. And that “dang” chasm grew wider.

Hosetta wasn’t the type, but the devil was busy, and she began to think of having an affair herself. For a while, the thought of having an affair was a constant temptation as a payback for what he was doing to her, but she never acted on it.

Hosetta couldn’t count the number of times she thought about leaving George for good. But George wasn’t her boyfriend or simply a friend. He was her husband. She had made her vows to him and to God and she sincerely wanted to keep them.

Yes, Hosetta had made her vows to George and to God. When her vows to George were weak, destroyed, damaged, broken and became lost in the chasm, she fell upon the foundation of her vows to God.

God had whispered in her heart, before she married George, that “this” marriage was his will and George would be the love of her life.

God’s ways are certainly not the ways of humans and his thoughts are “nothing” like human thoughts either. As a young woman, Hosetta was excited that her marriage to George was God’s will, but she imagined it a lot different.

When her marriage to George, became WORSE, she questioned God’s will. She imagined, because God had ordained it, that theirs would be a marriage made in heaven and it was.

God was ALL in the marriage, because the indwelling Holy Spirit empowered her to be a witness, to her husband. She was a witness, to George, as God's willing vessel. God worked "in" and "through" Hosetta to reveal his presence, his goodness, and his power by enabling her to exercise his kind of forgiveness, Godly love, mercy, grace, longsuffering, unselfishness, humility, temperance, and on and on; toward her wayward husband.

In addition, in order to show all those “heavenly” traits Hosetta had to choose to allow the Holy Spirit to equip her, with what she needed, in order to love George like HE loved George and she did.

Thus, George became the “love of her life” because she had NEVER loved anyone like she was learning and being empowered to love George.

In the beginning, however, Hosetta didn’t know what to do, or how to keep loving him, or who to tell. George’s addiction wasn’t something you could discuss, even with your BFF, over a cup of tea and a donut.

Deep inside Hosetta knew she had to do something or else she was going to drive herself crazy, trying to keep her family together by herself.

Being co-dependent is very hurtful and Hosetta couldn’t SAVE George. It hurt too bad and she wasn’t Jesus, who "was" the SAVIOR. It was too big of a responsibility to keep covering up the sexual behavior that she hated, so George could keep his immaculate, ethical, and public reputation.

Hosetta was tired of appearing to be cheerful to their friends and family, with a broken heart. She could no longer avoid conflicts with George, just so they could keep up their facade of happy family.

George’s disrespect was becoming constant. Hosetta found herself compromising her own standards about phoniness and even blaming herself for their problems, which were really a result of George’s choices. 

Hosetta honestly felt, at times, she had no options out of the nightmare their life had become. Hosetta was normally an optimistic person and could find a rainbow in every situation, but not this time.

Hosetta experienced sadness and unhappiness like never before. She loss interest in the adventure she called life.  She began to neglect her personal interests and church activities, she started eating sweets, she hardly ever slept peacefully, she fleetingly mulled over suicidal thoughts, she experienced unusual mood swings, she went through unfamiliar depressions. and she had feelings of remorse about having married someone like George.

Hosetta even began to feel undesirable as a woman. Her and George’s intimate life was a dementia memory. Hosetta also became reasonably concerned with the demonic spirits he might be connecting with and the diseases he could catch, which he’d already had several times. It disgusted her and she simply couldn’t get physical with him anymore.

Hosetta had every reason and biblical grounds to leave George, but she didn’t. Hosetta knew this for sure: God loved George and he had empowered her to love George too. George was a wayward husband and an adulterer. In the book of Hosea, God's people were wayward and adulterous, but he loved them. anyway Hosetta was  appreciative of God's kind of love, but honestly, she didn't necessarily want to experience it the way she was doing with George.

She also knew why God wanted her to marry someone like George. God had told Hosetta he had called her to “know him” and he also said “...How can you know me unless you share in my suffering?” He told her to read the book of Hosea, which told about a wayward people and the wayward bride name Gomer.

Hosetta realized, after reading the bible, that studying about God’s love is NOT the same as experiencing that love or applying that love to real life. It was costing her something to love George, but it had cost God, his son, to love mankind.

Hosetta had vowed to love George “through sickness and health” and “for better or worse.” Here she was, in these pivotal moments of her life, challenged by her vows, challenged by her love for George, and challenged by  her devotion to God. What was she going to do? Who was she going to serve; her flesh or God's instructions? Choose, this day, Hosetta, who you will serve!

She choose to SERVE GOD! Listening to a talk show, one morning, Hosetta learned there were Sex Addict Anonymous (SAA) groups. She contacted one in their area, made an appointment, and her and George begin to attend.

Hosetta went for a whole year and listened to everyone else. One woman said: “...I tried to overlook what he was doing. I thought maybe if I ignored it, it would simply go away and I wouldn’t be afraid anymore or ashamed or worried. But the signs were all there... he was having another affair. I did all the co-dependent things to make him stop. I threatened, blamed myself, nagged, criticized, tried to be a better wife...nothing worked...”  

Another woman said: “...I thought if I did whatever he wanted me to do sexually, even if it was against my values, it would make him stop. I would be enough for him. I guess deep inside I was afraid of losing him, afraid he would be disappointed with me or something, but it has slowly began to dawn on me that even if I was the Happy Hooker...he would still act out...”

Susan said: “...I have lived in constant fear that someone will find out about what my husband was doing. I’ve stopped socializing with people and recently it occurred to me, I no longer had any friends. I am often consumed with feelings of isolation, loneliness and fear...”

Amanda said: “...my husband is so preoccupied with his addiction that he neglects his other responsibilities. I find myself taking over his duties just to keep up the family and the appearance of a normal life...”

Connie said: ...my husband had us on such a tight budget. I couldn’t understand it. He had an excellent job. I found myself pinching pennies just to scrape up enough money to buy a nineteen-dollar pair of tennis shoes. Then I discovered Samson was buying his prostitutes silk and satin nighties. I felt like killing him...”

Betty said: “... he molested two of our sons. He’d been sexually abusing the oldest one for years, now he’s gay. I felt like a fool for being so blind... and marrying him in the first place. I hate him...”

Hosetta never said a single word about herself or what she felt. She had been attending, the group, every week, on Tuesdays, for eighteen months when they asked her did she have anything to share she shook her head. It had been months and week after week, and again and again, Hosetta said “no.”

Sex addicts were a real sub-culture, but they were not the kind of people she thought they would be. She had stereotyped them, in her mind, but realized they were varied and diverse. There were no typical victims.

The victims of sexual addiction could be anyone from the janitor working in a company to the president of that same company. She was in a group with doctors, lawyers, housewives, career women, business owners, local celebrities and most of them lived in the suburbs, or an upper middle class neighborhood or even in the local mansions.

Their backgrounds didn’t matter, nor where they came from, or what they did, or where they lived. Their common ground was sexual addiction.

Hosetta, however, was in the other group, that provided emotional support and guidance for people involved with someone with a sex addiction.

Hosetta had to face the cold reality that there was nothing she could do to help George. She also learned she needed to first help herself.

It was likely that she was making it possible for George to continue his behavior by covering for him all the time. And in so many unhealthy ways she was sacrificing herself for someone who was capable of making choices for his own sobriety.

After 18 months, Hosetta could no longer hold it together and she broke down, crying, while listening to one of the other wife’s experiences.

When she looked up, twelve pairs of eyes were looking back at her. Her stomach churned and the facilitator asked: “Hosetta...would you like to share anything today?” Hosetta smiled and she could see how eager everyone was to finally hear from her and to finally help her.

 Hosetta hated to be put on the spot, but she found herself saying: “Hi. My name…is Hosetta Jarrett and I’m a co-dependent of a sex addict.” Hosetta really lost it then, but Patricia, the facilitator squeezed her hand. She continued: “My husband’s addiction has literally turned our lives into a nightmare. I feel afraid, lost, disappointed, and hurt that he’s not the man I believed him to be when we first married. I didn’t sign up for this. I thought this would be a marriage made in heaven, but now I’m filled with disabling shame to be married to someone like George...”

Hosetta felt a weight lift off her shoulders as the tears flowed freely down her face. It felt so good to get it out, to have people understand where she’d been and maybe where she was going.

These people were walking or had walked in her shoes and they wanted to help her. She passed out the other day, on her daily walk, and it scared her. The doctor said it was stress and she was probably emotionally and mentally exhausted, especially since her hair was falling out too. 

But after, Hosetta shared her feelings, for the first time in months, with the group, she felt she was going to be okay.

Hosetta got good at taking care of herself and the baby and keeping her hands off George’s responsibility for his OWN sobriety.

She concentrated on being the wife God’s indwelling Holy Spirit was empowering her to become. She treated George with love, grace, mercy, and undeserved respect.

Hosetta choose to sustain her commitment to the marriage in obedience to God. However, she got the impression George thought she was tolerating and condoning his behavior, but she wasn’t.

She did, however, decide to leave his sobriety to him. George acted as if his addiction was no longer a problem, because she had backed off and was staying in her lane.

To her surprise, one day, he told her he wanted to see a therapist about his personal resentments and grudges, he had in his heart, against her.

George felt they needed a referee, because she had done SO MANY things to hurt him and he needed to get it off his chest.

 She couldn’t believe it! He was still involved in his sexual addiction, but he wanted to talk to a therapist about his resentments against her and how she had hurt him.

Hosetta was concerned about showing George God’s kind of love and grace, because she knew he would take it the wrong way. God’s kind of loving grace meant that Hosetta didn’t treat George according to his wrongs toward her, but with unconditional love.

Grace was the hardest lesson to learn and the hardest to extend to another, especially someone like George.

Hosetta was also concerned about showing George God’s kind of loving mercy, because she knew he would take that the wrong way too. God’s kind mercy meant that Hosetta didn’t give George the kind of punishment he deserved as a wayward husband, but showed him unconditional love instead.

Hosetta had explained to him, on numerous occasions, that she loved him, but didn’t approve of his behavior, nor was she simply tolerating it.

She was a Christian and she was simply showing him God’s grace and mercy in hope that one day he would become the man she knew he could be “in” Christ.

George had no clue, how hard it was, to walk in God’s kind of love for a chronically adulterous husband. Now he wanted to talk to a therapist as if they were in a NORMAL, marital relationship having issues. He didn’t want her to bring up his sexual addiction, because he said it wasn’t the cause of ALL their problems.

George stopped seeing his sexual addiction as the source and root of all their problems. As long as it was there, the chasm remained, for her, and grew between them and even the greatest therapist in the world couldn’t fix it.

Yet and still, Hosetta relented and went with him, but she only went once. All George did was talk about her, what she did to him, what she didn’t do for him, his resentment for her, how she failed him as a wife, and a never-ending sea of complaints. George was FREE to say whatever he wanted.

However, George told her it wasn’t fair to bring up his sexual addiction, because they had other problems that had nothing to do with his addiction.

Hosetta didn’t say a word to the therapist and left the session swearing she would never go back again. He could freely talk about her, but she was limited to what she could say about him.

For her, his sexual addiction, was at the root of it all. The fact that she couldn’t talk about it, as part of improving their marriage, upset her. She hated his behavior and blamed it for destroying their marriage. The chasm GREW.

They argued about what he’d done in 1989, what she’d done in 1992, what he didn’t do in 1998 and what she didn’t do in 2000. They both would whip out their list of wrongs they’d felt the other had committed against them.

Nobody was listening, or understanding, or giving in and nothing was being resolved. The chasm was too wide and they couldn't hear each other any more. It was like a broken merry-go-round, that she didn’t want to ride anymore and her heart was shouting...let me off...let me off!

His sexual addiction was ALWAYS there between them rearing its ugly head. George was in denial about it and professed he hadn’t done any more wrong to her than she had done to him.

When George would say he’d done no more wrong to her than she’d done to him; she would feel convicted. Hosetta was far from perfect and she had many flaws and imperfections as a person, a mother, and a wife. She had done things to hurt him too.

Every time George accused her, judged her, or complained about her, she felt convicted. She also felt as if she had no right to say anything about his addiction any more.

It took a long time before Hosetta realized it wasn’t the shared mistakes, failures, shortcomings, weaknesses, and character flaws or imperfections that couples have, WITHIN the safety and sanctity of marriage, that defiled the marriage, but adultery, which took place outside the marriage, WAS what defiled it.

 Just because Hosetta had left his sobriety to him, didn’t mean she wasn’t aware it was still there along with his chronic adulterous ways.

She wondered whether George was under the impression, because she rarely, if ever, bought it up any more, that she was adapting and condoning his behavior. Whether he was aware of it or not, George was NOT keeping his addiction and marriage separated.

No, George didn’t have to deal with Hosetta, as much, as far as his sexual addiction was concerned. Hosetta, however, had to deal with him - his addiction, and the transformation it was making of him as a person, a husband, and a father - regularly.

George had changed and no matter how hard he tried, he continued to display all of the classic characteristics of a sex addict. Hosetta was STILL dealing with his addiction "through" his CONDUCT! 

George was intimately shallow, he was dishonest, he had a jaded attitude about love, he was emotionally inept, he was self-deceived, he was restless and discontented, he had depressive moods, he was prideful, he was stubborn, he spent nights away from home, and he was narcissistically selfish.

There were a lot of things said and done that had hurt them both. Hosetta remembered a time George spilled out all his complaints against her and she listened, without defense. Then she apologized for it all and promised, to the best of her ability, never to hurt him like that again. George had tears in his eyes and said thank you.

That day, Hosetta had to remind herself George was the “love” of her life and she was to love him unconditionally like God had loved her.

If she was honest, initially she thought George OWED her an apology not the other way around. BUT, if she was to love like God, George didn’t owe her anything for the love she’d shown to him. That’s why she stopped and listened without defense.

She wasn’t perfect and she had made many mistakes too. Some of the things George said about her were true and, in her heart, she tried to justify or defend them against the many wrongs he’d done to her, but sin was sin.

If she merely told lies and George committed murder, was her sin a lesser sin than his, not according to the Holy Bible. God was not partial…sin was sin. It was a cold reality.

It was so easy to look down her nose at him and judge him as a more sinful person than she was, because of the things he’d done, but he wasn’t.

All her unkindnesses, her nasty attitudes or remarks, her mistreatments, her judgements of George revealed she was just as flawed as he was and it humbled her. So the day George complained she listened and extended compassion and grace to his hurts.

Hosetta couldn’t just talk about the love of God, she had to literally experience it, with George. She had to APPLY God’s love, even when it hurt.

How many times, over the years, did she forgive George or apologize to him. If she were to count the times she had to forgive her husband it would add up to a lot of forgiveness, but isn’t that what Christ had done for her.

Hosetta understood more and more, first hand, why God said there is no greater love than HIS.

God’s kind of love had required more of Hosetta than she had ever intended to demonstrate to another human being.

George’s sexual addiction had taken every drop she’d had and she couldn’t do it anymore. It was God and only God’s indwelling Holy Spirit that could strengthen her, empower her, and enable her love George, like God did.

God’s kind of love was costly. It demanded a free will offering and sacrifice of oneself. Longsuffering is a part of God’s love and it is longsuffering that becomes the one of the great challenges of walking by faith. It had for Hosetta, especially when she thought, at times, George didn’t deserve it

Was she any better? Did she deserve God’s love more than George did? What is a multitude of sin?

When people do as much wrong and commit as many atrocities as George had, it is humanly impossible to continue to love them apart from Christ. He had abused her heart too often. She wanted to WALK away, but God didn't. In spite of it all, God STILL loved George and he empowered her to do the same. Hosetta was his willing vessel!

Emotional abuse, of any kind, was just as damaging as physical abuse. It gnawed and tore at a person’s self-esteem, happiness, and well-being. George criticized her, judged her, blamed her, accused her and kept himself, purposely, distant emotionally.

When she’d given all she had, ran out of all her human resources .... she found herself going forward ... empowered by the indwelling fruit of love produced by the Holy Spirit. Hosetta began to understand more and more how NOTHING could separate people from God's kind of love.

God is love. Love is WHO God is all the time. God doesn’t change. His love NEVER changes and it never stops or separates.

Hosetta was tempted to separate her love from George on a regular basis. One day, in prayer, she’d asked God why HE continues to love people who have offended him so horribly and he said “... if I continue to love them, beyond their faults, it gives them a chance to get it right with me...” Truly, there is NO GREATER LOVE than God’s.

Hosetta knew, if it wasn’t for God and his indwelling Holy Spirit, she would have buried her marriage in a twenty foot grave, years before!

George remained very ethical in “some” of his behaviors. She will admit, George used to apologize too, but, after a while, he said he wasn’t going to apologize anymore, because he was only going to do it again. George was ethical, but not righteous. Hosetta didn’t always know there was a difference.

Nonetheless, all these offenses, they accused each other of, became like tiny splinters in their souls. And for Hosetta the chasm between them wedged those splinters deeper and deeper into her heart until it was nearly destroyed.

For Hosetta, no matter what they were fighting about, his addiction was in the midst, influencing and orchestrating the width of the chasm.

The bible says sin separates the relationship between God and his people Well George’s ongoing practice of sin (sexual addiction) separated them. And the chasm thrived as it grew wider and wider while precious years passed by.

George was, indeed, the love of her love and it was no walk in the park. It was costly, and most of the time, it didn’t feel good.

Together, they attempted to weather life’s storms as normally as possible, but George’s sexual addiction was a typhoon or tsunami which changed their lives, their experiences, their characters, and disrupted whatever normal used to be to them.

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