UNREE DEEMD: MY ANGRY MOTHER

          

Unree deemd: my angry mother

SHOCKING BEGINNINGS

 “… SIN entered into the world…” (Romans 5:12 KJV).

“…and DEATH THROUGH SIN, and so death passed to all men…” (Romans 5:12 KJV).

“…The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin] … I want to do what is right, but I can’t.…I [am] …a slave to the sin.… that is … within me…” (Romans 7:14-25 NLT).

“… SIN entered into the world, and DEATH THROUGH SIN, and so death passed to all men…” (Romans 5:12 KJV).

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UnRee’s mother, Sarah Deemd was a beautiful biracial girl, with lovely features and a happy personality.

Her mother was European American and her father was African American, but they died in a car accident when she was a baby.

Her father’s family, the Deemds raised her, because her mother’s family, the Robinsons, wanted nothing to do with her, at first.

Even though she LOOKED more like her mother’s family. Even her complexion hardly revealed her African American side.

The Deemd’s explained racism to the best of their ability without criticizing her biological mother’s family. She was always free to connect with them, but she didn’t for a long time.

However, when Sarah was about five years old, her grandfather Phillip Robinson began to make amends. She started spending time with her mother’s side of the family.

It was her grandfather, on her mother’s side, who was good friends with Fred Bennett and signed her up for the soccer ball team.

Meanwhile, her grandfather’s, Papa D's,  job was transferring him to another state and he had to go. It started a custody battle between her grandparents. The Robinson’s won. Sarah was heartbroken.

When Papa D and Momma D left, they gave her ALL their contact information, but she never heard from them again.

The Robinsons took the cell phone they’d left her and all contact information. They never let her speak to them, receive their letters, or associate with them again.  Sarah felt lost and abandoned without them. The Robinsons eventually moved too, but in the same city and just a few blocks from where they were originally.

Initially she liked the Robinsons, but she didn’t want to live with them. It was something about them that never sat well with her.

Sarah couldn’t put her finger on it at first. Grandpa Robinson went to church, did loving things, and was supportive of the sports she played, but something was off.

Grandma Robinson was in la-la land and totally controlled by her husband. Her grandfather was good looking, charming, and charitable.

When she turned 8 she began to hear rumors about her coach, Fred Bennett, and asked her grandfather about it. He dismissed it and told her to ignore it too, because he was his good friend.

A little while after she turned nine, Sarah discovered the rumors were true. Coach Bennett begin molesting her. When she tried to tell her grandfather about it. He accused her of lying and told her she better not say another word to anyone else or she would get her coach in trouble.

Then it became clear, her grandfather and Bennett were two peas in a pod. Neither of them sympathized with other humans.

They were what society called psychopaths. The only reason her grandmother had a relationship with him, at all, was because she let him control her.

Her grandmother was not allowed any dissidence, or independence, or self-expression and she readily accepted the role of bimbo.

Once she saw the truth; that’s when her happy childhood came to a complete halt. She never knew another happy day in her life. She’d lost the Deemd’s and now she had no one.

For the next three years Coach Bennett sexually assaulted her over and over again. She believed the Robinson’s knew. They said and did nothing.

When the first 7 victims came forward her grandparents told her about it, but forbid her to say a word. They continued to support him, even with all the incriminating evidence, and proclaimed Fred Bennett was innocent.

A 12 year old girl was pregnant and a DNA test proved Fred Bennett was the father. Shortly after that, they discovered Sarah was pregnant too. Her grandfather refused to allow her to get a DNA test and told her to keep her mouth shut about Fred fathering her child.

What is a 12 year old child to do when they’re young and totally dependent on wicked people?

Her grandfather had government connections. He lied about her age and got her subsidized housing. She received immediate housing assistance and temporary cash assistance to help.

He qualified her for TANF (temporary assistance for needy families). There was a lifetime maximum, but her grandfather pulled some favors and she stayed on assistance until she turned 18 year old.

She was 12 years old when she was sent away to live on her own. Sarah had to grow up fast. Before long she looked much, much older. She needed help with everything and had to rely on strangers. The Robinsons sent money occasionally, but they had pretty much cut her off.

She was thankful for programs like WIC. She eventually got started on long-term subsidized housing and had to have help with her utility payments.

Finding out she was pregnant at 12 was utterly shocking, but being put out and forced to deal with such a horrific situation, alone, made Sarah bitter, angry, unforgiving, and hard-hearted.

Her grandfather put her into a place and position where she could find ALL the help she needed, but she wasn’t grateful. He had done her no favor and she was keenly aware of his wrong toward her. He, along with her grandmother, had abandoned her, because a pedophile had impregnated her. They left her alone to deal with it, by herself, at 12 years old.

It was hard and her grandfather had the nerve to tell her she couldn’t get an abortion or put the child up for adoption. “their people didn’t do that sort of thing” But “their people” put their 12 year grandchildren out, on their own, to live on government assistance.

Sarah feared her grandfather. She knew, without a doubt, he would hurt her physically if she didn’t do was she was told, so she did.

By the time she was 18 years old Sarah knew every government assistance program there was; from housing to health care to TANF and  WIC.

No matter how hard she tried Sarah couldn’t escape the anger and bitterness and sadness that began to consume her heart. It followed her everywhere.

The very first contact with her baby girl hardened her heart and she instantly decided she hated her.

Living alone, at 12 years old, even with ample assistance didn’t erase the dark mantle that was taking over her young heart.

She read about her Coach. The news told about how caring parents were dealing with child advocacy services, investigators, and state prosecutors in the process of putting away the man that hurt their children.

Meanwhile, Sarah dealt with bills, a crying baby, groceries, a part-time job, day care, health care, and saving for a new pair of ten dollar shoes.

Living in the aftermath of TOTAL abandonment, after being sexually assaulted and impregnated, was excruciatingly painful.

She allowed the negative emotions to hardened her heart. It was easier to survive and she felt justified with every hateful feeling she had toward her child.

Sarah DID the right things, but she wasn’t a RIGHT person in her heart. She slowly became meaner and meaner, which turned to an EVIL no human should ever experience

The EVIL seeped into every fiber of her being and every interaction with her daughter. She had NO natural propensity to nurture or protect Fred Bennett’s offspring.

Sarah was so very, very frightened, in the beginning. She was 12. For months she felt fear and dread, then she felt sick with loneliness and worry about “their” survival.

She had no family support. The Robinsons told her Papa D and Momma D wanted nothing to do with her and she believed them. She never did hear from them after they left.

The realities she faced alone at such a young age affected her forever. It was awful not to have anyone to tell your “real” truth to, or to help you overcome such an horrific experience as she had.

Every day, since she was 12 years old, she woke up to her life-altering situation. All she could do was find a way to live through the pathetic mess her life had become. Sarah eventually begin looking twice her age.

She  suffered with depression, restlessness, and anxiety and it could be consuming at times. Often she couldn’t sleep.

No matter how often she asked “WHY” she got nothing, didn’t understand, couldn’t fix it, had no solution, and heard no answers.

It took years, but she finally adapted and accepted what her life had become. Without proper guidance Sarah had turned into a monster on the inside and didn’t apologize for it.

She was who she was and accepting that she was a terrible person and mother was, initially, scary and liberating.

Sarah couldn’t change what had happened to her. Her grandparents were awful people. Coach Bennet was a pedophile who preyed on children like her. Sarah had to move on, even if she didn’t like who she’d become; it was ALL she had.

Her young, misguided experiences had shaped her thinking and as warped as her thoughts had become she didn’t try to control the evil that had poisoned her heart.

The sins that had been passed on to her through the many injustices, had hardened her heart. They, in turn, destroyed her daughter.

Sarah wanted to do right, at one time, but she couldn’t. So she followed her flesh in raising her daughter.

Sarah give in to the darkness. She never looked for redemption nor did she search for a healthier way to care for UnRee.

Sarah didn’t care. UnRee was the blame and she had Fred Bennett’s blood running through her veins. She took the vengeance out on her innocent daughter. She felt no remorse about it. She felt justified and righteous, because she was much kinder to the child than she deserved.

The negative feelings and attitudes never went away and Sarah just surrendered to them. She didn’t fight for herself, nobody else did, and she didn’t fight for UnRee.

When Sarah’s new husband began molesting UnRee she inadvertently aided and abetted him in the abuse against her daughter. “It is what it is” she thought.

She was relieved when UnRee left her home. Her days of slaving to care for a child, she didn’t want, was over. Now UnRee will know what it had cost her to raise a daughter of a pedophile. Sarah stood by her pedophile husband like her grandmother stood by her evil grandfather.

Yet and still, late into the night Sarah remembered happier days when the Deemd’s took her to Disneyland, or to church, or on vacation, or read her bed time stories.

Then they just disappeared, no phone calls, letters, or visits. Sarah often wondered was the life with the Deemd’s merely a dream.

Truthfully, “that” Sarah died and she had become someone totally different. Her life made no sense and amounted to nothing and UnRee inherited her thousands and thousands of issues.

Sarah never treated UnRee as a human being. She was Fred Bennett’s spawn: “...the daughter of a pedophile...” And Sarah had been extremely angry about it every since she gave birth to her!