“… God is (REAL) LOVE…” (1 John 4:4-8 KJV).
“REAL” LOVE “…is [recognized by its]… patien[ce] … [and it]… is kind. It does not
envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of
wrongs. [REAL]…love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always
trusts, always hopes, always perseveres,
[REAL]…love never fails…” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 NIV).
*
Sarah had held a grudge
against the Robinsons and the Deemds for years. Her psychiatrist said it was
beginning to affect her health. She had high blood pressure, her LDL
cholesterol levels were bad, and she was experiencing joint pain.
Her grudge wasn’t good
for her emotions either, but she couldn’t seem to let it go. Sarah had been
hurt by both of her families. In her eyes, they both had abandoned her in one
way or another.
Sometimes it hurt so
bad it made her sick to the stomach to remember how she’d been treated.
The Deemd’s claimed
they loved her and so did the Robinsons, but all they’d done was reject her,
betray her, and abandoned her.
They had wounded her
emotionally and she’d become worse than a bird with a broken wing.
She was a prisoner of
her past and her cellmates were unforgiveness, resentment, hatred, and
bitterness. She’d become an unloveable human being and she didn’t care.
She would never forgive
any of them, including UnRee for ever being born. She was 50+ years old and was
still stressing over those who offended her in her youth.
She wanted them
punished. She wanted them to suffer like she had suffered. She wanted them to pay for
what they’d done. She wanted them to HURT liked she’d been hurt.
She had no healthy
relationships. Her husband finally left her and took his two nephews with him.
He accused her of being a mean and hard-hearted woman with no human decency at
all. He’d criticized her behavior, the way she thought, and said she had no
soul.
Time had not healed her
wounds, but time had cultivated them and they’d grown deep roots.
People said she was
toxic and avoided getting involved with her. Sarah was always angry. She never
stopped feeling resentful, bitter, or hateful toward her pedophile father, the
Robinsons, or the Deemds.
Every time she thought
of them the negative emotions flooded her heart as if it was happening all over
again. She relived it so many times and it overwhelmed her, each time, to the point she
couldn’t move past it.
Life was one big,
unhappy disappointment and all she did was work, come home, eat, and go to bed.
She was going nowhere. She didn’t know her purpose or why she existed.
She’d gone to
counseling for years and she knew what she had to do. Her therapist said it was
a choice she needed to make for her own mental health and peace.
Yet, every time Sarah
replayed the movie of her life, the injustices were too much and it became
harder and harder to let it go.
She could remember the conversations,
being molested, being left alone at twelve, struggling to raise a pedophile’s
child, and the all-consuming fear of being unprotected during her critical,
adolescent years.
Anything could trigger
the memories; a smell, a sound, a face, the tone of someone’s voice, or a game
of soccer. When the offenses came to her mind she’d followed them down the
negative path of memories and there was no escape.
She blamed her
offenders. She blamed them for the person she’d become. She blamed them for the
affect they’d had on her as a mother, a wife, a co-worker, a friend, or a human
being. They’d affected her choices, her judgements, and her perspectives about
life and people in general.
She was a life-long
victim and she saw life through the lens of her painful experiences. She knew
her attitude bought out the worst in her, but she’d allowed it to affect her
character for a long time ago.
Sarah was a nasty,
unhappy person and she was quick to start a fight over pettiness. She’d give
her husband the silent treatment over every little offense or refuse to talk to
him, or spoke harshly to him, or was vengeful over little things. He wasn’t the
greatest person either, but he soon got fed up with her and abandoned her too!
Now her thoughts of revenge
included him. He’d fallen on hard times and came back asking for help, but she
had no compassion and smirked at his misfortune.
Her husband had also grown
tired of hearing her abandonment stories over and over again. It put a strain
on their relationship and he thought she was starting to negatively affect his
nephews. He told her it was a “...turn
off... and she repelled him.
He also said: “....you are going to die alone, because the
human heart can’t house both love and hate....one will eventually overcome the other....”
Sarah begin to think it
was better to be by herself. She couldn’t trust people and it wasn’t wise to
get close to them either. They would eventually abandon you anyway.
Sarah lost the decent
part of her humanity a long time ago. The offenses and abandonments made her
feel unloved and traumatized. Even with all the help she had available she
couldn’t seem to choose the path to recovery.
Now, all these years
later, Momma D was coming to see her. How
had she found her? Sarah wasn’t sure how she felt about her coming.
Sarah had been living
as white person since she was five years old. The Robinsons had insisted. They
erased all traces of her African American roots, from her memory, along with
the Deemds.
For years, they’d
changed her name to Allyson Robinson, but when she was kicked out of their
lives, she became Sarah Deemd again, the name on her birth certificate.
Sarah may have been
biracial, but she looked white. The Robinsons thought it was in her best
interest to identify as a white person only.
When her grandfather
kicked her out and put her into the hands of social services, he told her to
keep her mouth shut about her African American roots.
He told her she would
get more help, be given special favor, and more would have more opportunities if she
dissed her black ethnicity.
Sarah followed her
grandfather’s instructions. She passed as a white woman and she married a white
man. UnRee looked white and Sarah never told her about her black family or her
white one for that matter.
Now Momma D was calling
her. Momma D was a light-skinned African American, but she was “still” African
American. Sarah felt totally disconnected from her.
She was a white woman
now and she didn’t miss or long for the African American culture. It wouldn’t
bother her if she never saw the Deemd’s again. She had done fine, all these
years, without them.
Her grandmother was
shocked at Sarah’s confession. She knew people had passed for white for years,
but many didn’t get the great opportunities they expected.
Many people had abandoned
their black identity only to be disappointed by the greater loss of self,
family, the black village, unique traditions, a rich, oral history, and a
special culture.
Sarah didn’t choose to
abandon her black ethnicity, but she was forced to. Sarah had lived her whole
adult life as a white woman. Not only had Momma D contacted her for a reunion
between them, but her black father had
left her an inheritance too.
Sarah never told
another soul that she was biracial and the Robinson’s willingly kept her secret.
They treated her as if her blackness didn’t exist and she let it go too. She
was five years old and had no clue how to fight for her right to be recognized
as multiracial.
Sarah wasn’t actually
choosing to “pass” for white. American was more diverse now, but she simply
hadn’t been allowed to acknowledge the other part of her ethnicity.
Sarah was grafted into
the Robinson’s culture and not the Deemd’s. She was forced to assimilate into
the white majority regardless of her African American ancestry.
Sarah was raped, by a
white man, just like black female slaves were back in the 1600s. It was a law
against what her pedophile coach had done to her, but her white grandfather did
nothing to stop him.
Sarah looked white and
so did her child. According to the “...one
drop rule...” she was black, but she wasn’t raised that way.
She was biracial, but
her grandfather told her she was to identify as white female in order to avoid
being restricted by the discriminations black people faced.
Sarah wondered how
often had the white majority been undermined by their own prejudices. Black
people overcame the privileged system, by using their opportunity, to pass, to
reach back, and uplift their people.
In the past blacks
passed for white in order to escape slavery and gain freedom. For Sarah, being
white, had its limitations too, because they were flawed human beings just like
the rest of the world.
She’d seen the flawed
and finite humanity of some whites and she was NOT impressed. Now that blacks
had gained some constitutional rights, being white, she hoped, should have less
and less appeal.
Sarah witnessed the
forced white supremacy, all her life, and now she understood why it was forced.
If their white ideology was NOT forced upon others, others would not CHOOSE,
most of, them.
Nobody likes to be
forced to do anything. Her coach forced himself upon her and she didn’t like
it. He imposed himself upon her in the most disgusting and disrespectful way.
He cared nothing about
her boundaries and she was forced to accept his inappropriate behavior. That
was it; she was “FORCED” to “ACCEPT” his nasty, shady BEHAVIOR.
He TOOK advantage of
her vulnerability. She didn’t like being forced and she didn’t like the person
who was forcing her to do it either.
Did she think he was
SUPERIOR? No, he was a COWARD and an INFERIOR human being who HID behind his
position to cover up his FLAWED and FINITE character and nature.
Sarah was able to be
FORCED, because she felt, at 9 years old, powerless, intimidated, scared,
anxious, confused, and unprotected.
Her coach had an
superior position, in her life, as a trustworthy, caring, and responsible
adult, who took advantage of his privileges.
The man who wanted
the soccer team, of girls, to do their “best” and he would be cheering for them,
while at the same time FORCING himself upon them and SEXUALLY ASSAULTING, some
of them.
Sarah had problems with
boundaries too. She had a hard time respecting others, especially men, and she
often imposed herself upon them.
She could be very
manipulative in getting what she wanted from others. She saw her bad behavior,
but she had so little empathy for the rights of others, especially if it was
something she wanted. She actually didn’t care, because the end justified the
means.
Her offenders had left
an imprint of evil upon her heart and soul. Sarah was nervous about seeing
Momma D. She had climbed into a gutter, within her heart, and she didn’t want
her grandmother to see it. She hadn’t cared, in so long, what anybody thought,
until now.
Since Momma D called,
the childhood memories had come flooding back. Momma D was special. She was the
only one who’d ever really SAW through Sarah.
She was five years old
when they parted, but the bond between them was still there, buried underneath
the new Sarah, but “there” nonetheless.
Momma D used to look
her directly in the eyes, whenever she spoke to her and that was the last time
she’d ever felt love, acceptance, kinship, acknowledgement, or as if she
mattered. It was vague, but you never forget how authentic love made you feel.
When Momma D left,
Sarah never felt that kind of love again; not for herself or anyone else.
Over the years, she’d
become invisible to herself and those around her. She wasn’t sure if she wanted
to get involved with the Deemd’s family. They were part of the blame and she
didn’t think she could forgive them no matter how loving they were.
Even if their reasons
for abandoning her was justifiable, it wouldn’t change a thing.
Sarah was an evil bitch
now and she didn’t want to change. It was too late. She simply had to HIDE
herself until she could send Momma D on her way.
If Momma D knew who she
had really become she would reject her and abandon her again. Momma D used to
call her “angel” sometimes, but now she was a monster.
She didn’t want to get
involved with the Deemd’s, but she wanted the meeting with Momma D to be
pleasant. Sarah heard the doorbell rang. Momma D wanted to meet at a
restaurant, but Sarah didn’t think it was a good ideal.
When she opened the
door her grandmother stood looking like the most pleasant blast from the past.
Sarah naturally fell
into her hands and hugged her so tight. Then she caught herself and invited her
grandmother into the living room. Momma D was in tears too!
They sat staring at
each other for the longest time, not knowing what to say or where to start.
“...Sarah it is so good to see you...”
“...It is good to see you, too, Momma D...”
They passed
pleasantries until Momma D said. “...What
happened to you, Angel? We tried to contact you for years...” Sarah’s cool,
calm demeaner went left.
She began to rant and
rave about how they left her, disappeared, abandoned her, left her with those
evil people, and screwed up her life.
Momma D tried to stop
her, say I’m sorry, and explain, but Sarah refused to listen. She spent the whole
visit lashing out at her grandmother.
Sarah’s words were
angry and it almost seemed as if she was having a temper tantrum. Momma D
understood her right to be angry, because she’d been treated horribly.
Momma D had no idea,
what her granddaughter had lived through, but her anger seemed out of control.
When she could, Momma D,
interjected, and asked had she sought help, should she come back another time,
did she need a minute, or should they take a break, but Sarah continued.
Sarah’s anger was
boundless and she had expressed it to the point of exhaustion. She was angry
beyond control and it had escalated to the point of no return.
Momma D could clearly
see the strong emotions coming from her granddaughter’s heart and mouth. Some
of them were hurtful too, but she knew she was purposely, in her line of fire
and Sarah wanted her to suffer the consequences of her anger.
Momma D didn’t think
Sarah meant to lash out at her, but something she’d said triggered it. Momma D
tried to show empathy, though it was hard. Sarah was highly upset and was buried
in a grave of pain.
She loved her
granddaughter. Momma D tried to express her love by reaching for Sarah’s hand,
but she violently snatched it away.
So Momma D listened, she
didn’t react, and she didn’t defend herself. Some of the things Sarah said were accusatory, hurtful, wrong, and harsh, but Momma D didn’t retaliate. She kept
her calm for the sake of her granddaughter.
Sarah needed her love
and understanding more than anything else. So Momma D choose to say nothing, because
she didn’t want to fan the flames.
After a while, Sarah
calmed down. Momma D said, “...I heard
everything you said. I love you. Thank you for sharing, with me, how you feel.
If there was anything I could do to change what you’ve been through, I would. I clearly understand your right to be upset,
frustrated, and angry at those who dropped the ball on their responsibility
toward you, including me. Please...what can I do?...”
Sarah stood up, walked
over to the door, opened it, and said to her grandmother: “...You can get out. I never want to see you again...”
Momma D walked to the door, but turned and grabbed Sarah,
who stiffened in her arms, and hugged and kissed her. “...I love you, Sarah. I always have and I always will...”
“REAL” LOVE “…is [recognized by its]… patien[ce] … [and
it]… is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor
others, it is not self-seeking, it
is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. [REAL]…love
does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It
always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, [REAL]…love never fails…” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 NIV).
No comments:
Post a Comment