HOSETTA: PHYSICALLY PRESENCE; EMOTIONALLY ABSENT; CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 7

          HOSETTA: PHYSICALLY PRESENCE EMOTIONALLY ABSENT, PART 1

“…This people (this redeemed people) honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me…” (Mark 7:6 KJV). 

“…God has said “NEVER WILL I LEAVE YOU; NEVER WILL I FORSAKE YOU…” (Hebrews 13:5 NIV).

 “...Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me .Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee...” (Psalms 139:7-12 KJV).

 “…God has said “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you…” (Hebrews 13:5 NIV). “…I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS, to the very end…"(Matthew 28:20 NIV).  “…Behold, I AM WITH… [YOU] and  …I WILL NOT LEAVE [YOU]…." (Genesis 28:15 ASV). “…Behold, I am with… [you] and will keep… [you] whithersoever [you]… goest…I will not leave [you]..." (Genesis 28:15 ASV).

*

Hosetta began to question whether her and George were ever really close as she imagined.

George had ethical behavior down to an art and he knew how to allure her with a certain amount of self-disclosure, false charm, and by feigned vulnerability.

But his feigned vulnerability was short-lived. He would  flatter her, charm her, listen attentively, and  communicate with her enough to woo her heart and emotions toward him while he distanced himself from her. 

She SAW his outside behavior, but she had a far greater interest in HIS HEART. She'd learned to LOOK at the HEART through the scriptures. “...God SEES NOT as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD LOOKS AT THE HEART…”(1 Samuel 16:7 NASB). “…No one needed… to tell him about human nature, for he knew what was in each person’s heart…” (John 2:24-25 NLT). “…Lord, which knowest the hearts of all men…” (Acts 1:24 KJV). “… He watches everyone closely, examining every person on earth. The Lord examines both the righteous and the wicked…” (Psalm 11:4-5 NLT).

Yet and still Hosetta openly expressed herself to him. She was direct with George, and she wore her verbal heart, on her sleeve. She was an emotional risk-taker and had no idea of the negative consequences she'd suffer for taking that emotional risk with George. Hosetta risked everything emotionally while, she soon learned, George risked nothing at all.


God was an emotional risk taker.  He went ALL IN to express his love to mankind while they were STILL sinners. He had NO way of knowing whether they would return his love or not. Hosetta wrote in her journal: “…God so loved the world that HE GAVE (he went all in) his only begotten Son...” (John 3:16 KJV). “…God commendeth (demonstrated) his love toward ...[mankind] ...while,,,[they]...  were yet sinners, ...[he sent]...Christ …[to]...DIED FOR ...[THEM]…” (Romans 5:8 KJV). 


Hosetta pondered the scripture. Why would God go "ALL IN" and let his Son "DIE" for SINNERS? “…Christ (the representation of HIS LOVE died for sinners) ... the just for the unjust ...[so]...that he might bring  ...[sinners back] to God …” (1 Peter 3:18 KJV).

She  wrote: God, the Holy Spirit took the emotional risk to show his LOVE for mankind, but MANY did not and do not LISTEN to him or how he feels about them. "…My people would not listen to me. They kept doing whatever they wanted, following the stubborn desires of their evil hearts...” (Jeremiah 7:24 NLT).


Hosetta dated her entry and closed the journal for the day. 

George wasn’t good at understanding how “she” felt, or the emotional risk she's taken for him, or her feelings period. Thus he had no idea how his actions affected how she felt and the incredible lost of emotional well-being she was experiencing for having taken such an emotional risk with someone like him.

The categories of abuse are well labeled (physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional), but, within those categories, are the subtle, not so obvious, and "small" unkindnesses that ABUSE and ENDANGER a person's self-esteem and self-worth just as much, if not MORE.

George was illusive, evasive, and made excuses for his emotional shallowness, especially when it came to talking about intimate feelings in regard to their relationship. George was clever about WITHHOLDING his emotional care, from her while generously taking all the emotional revenue she offered to him. 

Hosetta thought about how people bragged about how nothing will EVER separate them from God's love, while their HEARTS are FAR from his. “…Who will separate us from the love of Christ? …”(Romans 8:31-39 NASB). “…Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword …”(Romans 8:31-39 NASB).“...[NO]  …”(Romans 8:31-39 NASB). “…[Nothing]…will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord…”(Romans 8:31-39 NASB).

“…This people honoureth me with their lips, but THEIR heart is far from me…” (Mark 7:6 KJV). 

Sometimes, when she wanted to talk intimately or simply wanted emotional care or attention, George would find some reason to get mad, or criticize her, or do something that would impede the interaction or his responsibility. 

George simply lacked emotional skills, understanding, or the ability to empathize with another person’s feelings, or how to truly connect emotionally with someone else.

George’s life was large in other places, his achievements were innovative, and his ethical behaviors had created, for him, a goody-two-shoes reputation. What does Mark 8:36 say? “…What shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world (fool people with outward, religious phoniness), and lose his own soul?” (KJV).

But for Hosetta, George was intimately shallow, and emotionally inept. They did so much talking, in the beginning, his emotional ineptness was disguised. She couldn’t see he hadn’t connected, with her, emotionally at all.

George had had issues with depression and he had had a troubled childhood, which also had an impact on his emotionally ineptness. But her hope was "IN" the fact he was a NEW CREATION and he was FREED from the past. God's goal, through his indwelling Holy Spirit, and George's giant faith, would eventually transform and conform him into the image of Jesus Christ.

Until then, she "thought," George’s sexual addiction,  would have a higher priority, for him, than his emotional  relationship with her or anyone else. However, the transformation never happened and his addiction controlled him for years. The problem is that George could participate in his sexual addiction without having to connect emotionally.

George made all kinds of routines around his addiction and in the beginning, Hosetta believed, he’d really tried to change, but eventually he had to face the fact he was enslaved to it.

As offensive as it was, AFTER they got married he would say, he wasn’t good at relationships, she should have married someone else, he wouldn’t recommend marriage to anyone else, he should have never married her, and often accused her of asking too much of him. 

George had a right to his opinion and he had right to expressed them, but they offended her, because he WAS, presently, in a relationship with her, she DID marry him and NOT someone else, though he didn't recommend marriage to others, he WAS married to her, and the emotional care she asked for was NORMAL to expect from one's husband.

Whether he was aware of it or not, George’s emotional shallowness and his negative confessions about relationships made him emotionally abusive, misuse flattery, angry, arrogant, resentful, and critical.

George was resistant to emotional discovery, emotional growth, or his emotional development, When it came to emotions, in MOST relational areas, with her, George was seriously limited. Hosetta thought about something she'd written in her journal: … Be transformed by the renewing of your mind (the renewing of the mind will empower you to put demands upon the old mindset and take authority over the old ways of the flesh)….” (Romans 12:2 KJV).

Over the years he claimed he was always protecting “his” heart, because he’d been hurt by others. After they were married, for a while, she became the blame for all his hurt and now he had to protect his heart from her. George HAD excuses!

George used the “protection of his heart” to avoid emotional connection with her. It was the perfect excuse for a long time.

George was frequently present physically, but he was absent emotionally. Hosetta was present in the marriage, both, physically and emotionally. She enjoyed the adventures that emotional connections, with others, bought into her life.

For her, without those special connections of joy, bonding, feeling, togetherness, or laughter; the spice of life, and excitement went missing and made life BORING and she hated that word.

She and George DID a lot of fun and innovative things together and she personally enjoyed them all, and though she DID them with George, she experienced them, emotionally, alone.

Hosetta would say to George, “...doesn’t this feel good?...” and he would say, “...I don’t know, I don’t feel it...”

When someone is emotional inept, you can’t get close to them. You can’t share a true or authentic emotional interaction with them. Just because you take an emotional risk with someone doesn't mean they are taking an emotional risk with you. Open and honest communication can lead to intimacy, but closed and dishonest communication will create a CHASM.

 Hosetta wanted to be emotionally close to George, but she couldn’t and whether he meant to or not; it made her feel lonely, disappointed, rejected, and inept in her own ability to connect with her husband. She beat herself up about it for years and it turned out that he was the one INEPT in his ability to connect with her. It took a while to see the RED FLAG that said she was NEVER going to connect with someone like George, especially through romantic intimacy.

When you’re young, all the red flags you see, before you marry, are things you think love will overcome. After you’re married, you wish you would have been wiser and stronger, in regard, to those red flags

When you are young and you have your whole lives ahead of you, you think you have plenty of time to work on the “red flags.”  When it came to fulfilling dreams and goals, George and Hosetta were pretty good at making things happen on the outside. Hosetta thought if they could make things happen in one area certainly they would do it in another.

George was good at working on things on the outside or externally and she was good at working on things on the inside or internally. Most of the marriage was spent working on the things George liked to work on.

George rallied for the material things more than she did and she liked them too, but she rallied for a “great love” and HE DIDN'T.

The things she wanted to work on were always put off or delayed for another time that NEVER came. Hosetta wrote in her journal:  “…Hope deferred  (delayed) makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life…” (Proverbs 13:12 NASB). “…Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around…” (Proverbs 13:12 MSG).

Hosetta thought about leaving George, many times, over the years, but they were so innovative together and seemed to have the Midas touch for making their dreams come true...she didn’t go.

When it came to the emotional dynamics between them; Hosetta took the emotional risk and was ALL IN while George was half-way into the marriage and half-way into his addiction.

In all fairness, George was dealing with clinical depression, a troubled childhood, addiction, the side effects of addiction, and the self he tried to mask. Hosetta understood his issues until they became permanent residents in their marriage.

With ALL the ethical things George did for her and  with her, they looked like the couple-to-be, but George became skilled at camouflaging himself. He ACTED like an ethical husband, but he wasn't - at least NOT to her, - a righteous husband. The difference was a BIG difference.

George was a “excellent” musician and traditional gospel music was second nature to him. Hosetta always loved his musical prowess. She, his family and friends always told him how proud they were of him and applauded him for his successes.

To the observant eye George was a decent, sensible, and ethical person with a bright future ahead of him.

After high school George got his bachelors and master’s degrees at reputable universities. He had decent jobs, a church community, a circle of acquaintances, social contracts, and was well-travelled.

George was a “good” catch to most people and he also had that good-boy image, which he said he hated, but that is the role in which he’d been casted.

He’d told Hosetta how often he faked smiles and didn’t enjoy life. There were times he thought living was pointless and felt like ending it all.

George complained about the role he’d been casted into and he felt terrible, that inside, he wasn’t who people thought he was.

One of the things he said attracted him to her is that she seemed free to be herself. She told him, however, her liberties, had made her reputation questionable. People thought the “good boy” had married the “bad girl.” Hosetta and George used to joke about it all the time.

Hosetta knew, for certain, everything that glittered truly was NOT gold. She was the one who had married the "bad boy." George’s secret life made him feel like a fake and all he was doing was hiding himself and masking who he really was on the inside. Hosetta dealt with the "bad boy" and the fake George MOST of the time.

When people would say they were proud of him and would compliment him on the image he’d build, George would just nod, smile, and say thank you.

George continued to play the role for many years. He didn’t want to disappoint anyone with his truth so he continued to exhibit, to his observers, that person they thought he was.

Hosetta felt that nobody was perfect and everybody hid behind something, but maybe not to the degree George did. She did have compassion for her husband, because he’d reached out to the church and others for help, but it was truly hard to find someone who could truly help or understand his plight. It took years, until he found another Godly person he could talk too!

It was no wonder he felt depressed and alone in his private struggles. Over the years, everywhere George had been casted into a role he DIDN’T want, he started to get exhausted  trying to keep up the image.

George’s ethical behaviors were automatic and he was basically a creature of habit. George could sound emotionally skilled and sincere without truly engaging with her or anyone else.

Being forced or casted into a role, most of your life, made George feel as if people (including herself) were always demanding and demanding something from him he really didn't have to give.

He accused Hosetta of not caring about his struggles anymore and later he accused her of giving up on him because she no longer helped him with his addiction.

At first, Hosetta tried to defend herself and explain that she hadn’t given up on him, but he had to choose to help himself. George wouldn’t listen to her.

George always had Hosetta’s understand, but he had to help himself, for himself.

Eventually, Hosetta began to think George had casted, himself, into the role of her husband. It may have been his choice, but he didn’t want to be there. It is what it is. George is George. It is just so unfair. I didn't ask for this kind of husband, but for God...I will give my life....

 Maybe he couldn’t face “that” truth so he was there physically living with her, but he had been emotionally absent for a long time.

George had a lot of issues and they were more than Hosetta could handle. While she wanted a normal, healthy relationship with her husband. He, however, wanted a normal healthy relationship with himself and a different life, he'd secretly dreamed of and envied in others. That fantasy life didn’t include her. It wasn't fair, but it is what it is nonetheless!

Hosetta chased after his heart and his affections as any wife would, but George chased after something else and was, therefore, running in the opposite direction from her.

In her opinion, George was getting tired of ALL the roles he’d been forced into, even the ones he’d willingly chosen.

Hosetta was getting tired too. George had vowed to take her as his wife, yet, but through his actions, she was being FORCED out of the position. This is my life too and because of George's issues I am being denied the life he promised we'd have together.

Hosetta often felt sorrow and compassionate for George’s struggles. But eventually, she began feeling sorrow and compassion for herself. George’s issues were NOT her fault, but she was PAYING for them in many ways. Sometimes, she thought, IT WASN'T FAIR!! Like George said, she could have been married to someone else who wanted to be married to her too, but she KNEW, in her heart, that wasn't God's will for her. 

Hosetta had come to believe that all people come into marriage a little bit broken and together, with God's help, they assisted each other in growing up and reaching a state of well-being. However, if either spouse is stubborn, inflexible, blind to their faults, narcissistic, uncompromising, consistently rebellious, and refuse to change as a demonstration of their love for God, there will be long-term and ongoing problems. Relationships work when there is a BALANCE of give and take as well as genuine love for one another as the bible instructs.

Hosetta wanted what any young woman may have wanted in the 80s when it came to marriage: to have a family, deal with normal issues, to live out their dreams with the one they loved and to live a happy, adventurous life together.

Instead, she was becoming emotionally drained trying to love George, along with his TRUCKLOAD of personal issues that he refused to let go. He became so draining emotionally, that she didn’t enjoy his company any more. For a season, she tried to avoid hanging out with him, as much as possible. She'd work 16 hour shifts or she would often looked forward to his "away" trips with the military bands...just to be free from his negative presence.

No matter how she said it or showed it, George questioned or judged her love for him. Hosetta praised George constantly and she regularly expressed her admiration for him, but it was never enough.

Sometimes, Hosetta felt boxed-in like George was trying to cast her into a role too where she should be the image he had of her, or where things should happen the way he expected them to happen by trying to make her fit into his vision of her.

George’s demands were too high and he left no room for grace or freedom. She was always telling him she wasn’t perfect and he would say nobody was asking her to be, but his complaints and criticisms of her told her something different.

He let her know, often, that he was dissatisfied that she didn’t live up to his lofty expectations of her. Hosetta often felt she had to “earn” George’s love or somehow become “worthy” of it, and she was always 99 and ½ in his eyes. George NEVER  “seemed” to be satisfied with her and it was exhausting and limiting.

Hosetta thought their life had many blessings embedded into it, but George wanted more and more. He accused her of becoming complacent and NOT wanting more.

She did want MORE just NOT in the way HE DID. Nonetheless, George always had an opinion about her character and what she should be saying and doing, especially if she didn’t behave as he expected. What Hosetta wanted MORE of, George DID NOT want to PROVIDE.

CHAPTER 7

          HOSETTA: PHYSICALLY PRESENCE EMOTIONALLY ABSENT, PART 2

“…This people (this redeemed people) honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me…” (Mark 7:6 KJV). 

“…God has said “NEVER WILL I LEAVE YOU; NEVER WILL I FORSAKE YOU…” (Hebrews 13:5 NIV).

 “...Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me .Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee...” (Psalms 139:7-12 KJV).

 “…God has said “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you…” (Hebrews 13:5 NIV). “…I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS, to the very end…"(Matthew 28:20 NIV).  “…Behold, I AM WITH… [YOU] and  …I WILL NOT LEAVE [YOU]…." (Genesis 28:15 ASV). “…Behold, I am with… [you] and will keep… [you] whithersoever [you]… goest…I will not leave [you]..." (Genesis 28:15 ASV).

*

 Like George had been casted into a role;  she “felt” he was trying to cast her into one too and he had no problem letting her know she wasn’t following the script. No matter HOW much he complained or disapproved of her, Hosetta STAYED free in her heart. She didn't want to be BOXED-IN even if George continued to criticize her and HE DID.

As his wife, George often made her "feel" as if she was missing the mark or that she was, somehow, inadequate as a woman. "Feelings" are not TRUTH, sometimes they are JUST feelings. Toward the end she realized she wasn’t the one who was inadequate.

When their relationship didn’t go as George thought it should, he would criticize and complain about it. For a while, in her desire to please her husband, she tried to adapt herself and become what he wanted, but for her, it, eventually, became too confining. When she would DO what he wanted; he didn't even notice, and she begin to think his complaints were just complaints. She wanted to be MORE than his boxed-in opinion or limited version of her.

Hosetta wanted to be loved, for being herself, flaws, virtues, and ALL! She wanted the adventure that being loved FREELY and UNCONDITIONALLY would offer.

When the relationship didn’t work, George would inadvertently blame her and put the emotional responsibility, for its failure, on her. As far as he was concerned, it was someone’s fault, but NOT his.

Hosetta was an easy target for a long time. She was closest to him, the most loyal, the most attached, and she loved him. She took the emotional risk with George and her heart was ALL IN. Yet, she was constantly defending herself from his accusatory attacks on her character. George could get away with verbally attacking her; because she was a safe person to place the blame for a LONG time.

He knew, because of her own weaknesses and struggles, she would take on the blame. So George would use her issue with self-blame, that made her feel convicted, to exonerate himself..

Taking on someone’s else’s responsibility was where Hosetta was weak and needed spiritual healing. She would take the blame for someone else’s mistakes. It took a while, but Hosetta finally learned the difference between taking the blame and taking responsibility.

She took the blame, in the beginning, of their relationship. She felt responsible for the things George went through as a child. She wanted to rescue him  and save him, but she couldn’t. Jesus was his Rescuer and Savior.

She wanted to make-up for what others had done to him, but she couldn’t. George had to take responsibility for his own healing.

She was always defending herself against George’s accusations or criticisms.  She would feel burdened with guilt, a dysfunctional sense of responsibility for "his" issues, and the blame for George’s past, but it WASN'T her fault; she didn't do it.

When she would try and communicate with George that some of his opinions of her thoughts or actions were incorrect; he ignored her.

When she would share with him she DIDN’T or WASN’T thinking or feeling the way he described, he would often say: “...yes you do...” and invalidate or negate her emotional truth.

Hosetta felt like a non-person against George’s inflexible opinion of her thoughts and actions. No matter how she tried to explain herself, his opinion of her was final.

He would persist, demand, argue, reject, get mad, stop listening, or overrode, what she said, to maintain his accusations and criticisms of her character. Some times the truth, about what she was saying, would be right in his face and he would still deny it. George had no emotional boundaries.

It was hard to illicit empathy from George too. He was selfish, in her opinion, and self-involved. Hosetta realized that someone who is out of touch with their own feelings was not capable of understanding what someone else was feeling. It was what it was. George was George.

Regardless, of how she expressed her true feelings about something, George was under the iron-clad opinion that she thought and felt the way HE SAID she did.

George rarely gave any thought or weight to how she really felt and when she called him on it, he had no remorse about it nor was he apologetic, because he DID NOT think he was wrong.

Her husband seemed blind to her true, personal "feelings." And he regularly misinterpreted her emotions and her actions, which showed, like a NEON sign, through his erroneously responses to her.

George demonstrated over and over he was emotionally inept and more often than not, he couldn’t correctly empathize with how she felt or her actions.

George couldn’t SEE how she felt. He couldn’t INTERPRET her feelings correctly. He expressed, in most instances, that she felt the same way “he” thought she did whether it was true or not.

Talking to him was like beating that proverbial dead horse.

He simply lacked empathy, which made it impossible, for her, to connect with him emotionally. If he wasn’t keen on his own feelings, she could forget about him tuning into hers.

Eventually, Hosetta resigned to the fact that no amount of reasoning or logic would get George to understand how his emotional ineptness affected her.

There was ONLY George’s interpretation of thoughts and actions and no one else’s. He, more often than not, didn’t and couldn’t fairly understand how she felt or why she did what he did.

Most of his opinions about her stopped with him and this misunderstanding contributed GREATLY to the chasm between them.

Hosetta started becoming defensive, it seemed, all the time, because George  spent their communication times blaming her for most of the stuff that went wrong between them.

She blamed herself and she was putty in his hands for many years. However, after getting so much blame shoved down her throat, she started to choke on it, which began to help her see everything was NOT your fault or responsibility.

George had a way of maximizing the negative things, he proclaimed, she did and minimized the negative things he did. He had a way of twisting fault, and most of the things that went wrong, Hosetta was on the receiving end of the blame.

It made her question herself and wonder if she had, indeed, done all the wrong, he was accusing of her. This constant pondering, of her faults, often, blinded her to George’s role in it.

Cleverly, his accusations, had her even minimizing his part too and maximizing hers just like he did. Hosetta had taken the blame so long, she would overreact and become defensive toward any and everybody's criticism no matter how small or harmless. However, her and George would usually, somehow, end up arguing about HER being the problem and not him

It became easy for George to see her as the source of most of their problems. She acted guilty.  Her overreaction and defensiveness, make it obvious, that she thought she was truly the blame and not George. George played upon her unfair and dysfunctional sense of blame.

George’s sexual addiction, for Hosetta, played the maximum role in their troubles. He was acting-out, being deceptive, and dishonest on a regular basis. George would go out of his way to make sure she didn’t see his cell phone messages or he would say he had a doctor’s appointment in the afternoon, but wouldn’t return home for over 24 hours.

And when Hosetta would call him on his behavior, he would bring up one of her issues and the conversation would become about her.

George could twist the conversation by blaming her for something and she would fall for it every single time, and it would distract her from what she’d wanted to discuss with him.

It was a dysfunctional pattern, for a long time, until she discovered what he was doing.

It was amazing how George could practically deny his role, by minimizing it and making it seem as if it had very little impact on their lives at all.

However, he was generous with giving the blame, to Hosetta, for many of the things that had gone wrong between them.

The human journey, with its many conflicts, will wear you down. Eventually, Hosetta stopped overreacting, stopped defending herself, and stopped doubting her mind. She saw the light!

When she would call George on his actions, he could no longer distract her.

Once, Hosetta stopped taking the blame and allowing George to distract from the issues at hand, she also stopped overreacting and being defensive. She was also losing respect for the things he said and started giving little credibility to them.

For a long time, when things went wrong, Hosetta accepted most of the blame. She allowed George to place it upon her and she allowed him to disrespect her because of it. Hosetta had no problem examining herself and taking responsibility for her actions, but she needed to STOP taking responsibility for everybody else's actions. 

George escaped, for years,  from taking the responsibility for her emotional care. Hosetta didn't take proper care of her "own" emotional care like she should. George knew that about her and he knew how to exonerate and justify himself from his responsibilities toward her because of her weakness. He was good at it too.

Hosetta was a finite human being.  Close relationships, with others, will eventually, reveal the places you need to grown. She was allowed to make mistakes and God said his grace would always be sufficient for her. God, the Holy Spirit, helped her through loved ones and friends to grow in his grace and knowledge. 

Making a mistake was something SHE DID, but not WHO she was.

George was not in the position to be her judge or jury. She ONLY had to take responsibility for her actions and her contributions to their issues. And George was responsible for his; not her.

Hosetta learned to start taking personal responsible for HER actions, but NOT George’s and she became good at it too.

George was left to look at his OWN behaviors. It changed her interaction with him, but it didn’t necessarily change George.

In George’s mind, the ultimate ruin, of their relationship, went to Hosetta. She got the prize and, in George's mind, it was, mostly, HER fault. At the end, he’d made people think, he was the victim (poor George, as usual) and she had done a huge injustice toward him.

George was nobody's punk or victim! He was, however, ethically charming. She had heard his version of their truth, but Hosetta decided she wasn't going to defend herself against his lies. She decided not to concern herself with what some people thought, because people who truly cared for them both, continued to act like they did.

George’s mother had taught her something valuable. When they were having problems and she would invite Hosetta to talk with her. His mother never took George’s side or her side, but she always took God’s side or the side of righteousness.

Her mother-in-law was truly unbiased and it made Hosetta realize, his mother, loved her too and she was a “real” Godly woman!

During their separation and divorce she discovered her “real” friends and people who were truly God’s people. They took the side of right, which helped her to do right and stand upon God’s Word too!

In addition, George, being true to himself, highly demonstrated his lack of understanding in regard to how she was feeling and what she was going through.

She had gone through a traumatic brain injury and the cognitive effect had dramatically changed her life. She was now on disability. It was what it was and George was George.

His narcissistic selfishness was paramount! He wasn’t going to give in or give up anything he wanted or she needed, even if it was for her betterment.

No matter what ethical image he portrayed, it was useless to expect any more, from him, than emotional ineptness. It was what it was and George was George.

Even at the end of the marriage, George was physically in the process, but he was also emotionally absent from it as well.

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