CHAPTER
2
Hosetta: secret
struggles
“….from WITHIN, out of a person’s heart, come evil
thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful DESIRES (choices,
passions, appetites),
envy, slander, pride, and foolishness.
All these vile things come from WITHIN; they are what defile you…” (Mark 7:20-23 NLT).
*
Travis Air Force base
was in Fairfield, California not too far from San Francisco and Napa Valley.
Napa Valley was wine country and Hosetta couldn’t wait to see it. She’d been
told millions of people come there every year. They had over four or five
hundred wineries and some of them were thousands of acres each.
She wasn’t a big wine
drinker, but she had tasted a Zinfandel and Pinot noir she liked. She was
looking forward to going on another tasting tour or one of the vineyard walks
she’d heard about.
Seeing the wineries and
vineyards encouraged her to continue dreaming. When they first arrived, Hosetta
felt her marriage to George was a happy union where their relationship to one
another was becoming more and more fortified.
Hosetta was not
musically inclined at all, but she was enthralled by his talent. She admired
his lovely tenor voice and the way his fingers played magic with the keyboards.
He worked hard to keep
his skills up. She loved listening to him sing and play and she had a
passionate interest in the musical things he did. Thanks to her grandmother. He
liked for her to critique him too, because he said, even though she couldn’t
sang a lick, she had a good ear for music.
Hosetta took whatever
jobs were available as they travelled from one base to another, but still kept
her writing skills up by writing for magazines, or doing wedding invitations,
or brochures, bulletins, or programs as gifts to friends and family.
George was always a big fan of her work and constantly
told her how impressed he was with her writing skills. He believed she would be
a best-selling author one day.
His mind seemed to be made
up when it came to the power of God’s Word to act and do what it says it would
do. George knew the Word and he was a true teacher when it came to revealing its
truths to her.
However, hidden beneath
the knowledge he fed so generously to her, was a starving man. George knew and
believed in the power of God. He “seem” to truly have faith that God’s power could
affect change on everything except his “OWN” heart.
George was very, very
ethical. No one would believe her if she told them George could teach faith,
but he himself had yet to experience it.
George had a “form” of
faith, but “seemed” to deny its power, especially when it came to transforming
him, his mind, or his heart.
For years Hosetta saw him
as a faith giant who was pushing her to have a stronger belief in God’s Word
too, but later she wondered had he just been DOING the right thing.
What she thought was
relentless faith on his part was masked, because he had such a personal
interest in building her faith. He always said, but she never understood it
until much later “...you are the one with
the relentless faith, Zesty, not me...”
It took years for her
to get there, but George never rested when it came to feeding her faith with
the Word of God. Hosetta thought George was eating the lessons first, BEFORE he
fed them to her. Either he was quoting scriptures to her, or taking her to an inspiring
church service, or they would have private bible studies, or he’d buy or borrow
a popular DVD from a well-known clergy person.
He cultivated Hosetta’s
faith until it grew greater than she ever imagined it could. Once she begin to
exercise it on her own, he continue to nurture it. Whenever George said God
told him something Hosetta was ready to step out on faith and do whatever God
instructed them to do!
However, in the early
years, Hosetta, thought she was standing with George and his GIANT faith. But
later she wondered had they stood together “IN FAITH” or were they simply
standing “IN AGREEMENT?” It was confusing.
It had taken years,
before she finally began questioning George’s “giant” faith. Hosetta had spent
hours studying faith with him. She now knew, there was a difference between
knowing “about” faith and actually experiencing faith.
George had all the
classic gestures and words that indicated he had some level of faith. Yet, he
himself remained in BONDAGE. George was ENTANGLED with a personal, ongoing sin,
because he lacked faith, in that area.
From Hosetta’s
perspective, God had the POWER to DO things for George, but NOT the POWER to
TRANSFORM him. It made NO sense and it
wasn’t adding up.
Hosetta begin to see
her husband was ethical, but ethical behavior had NO POWER, because it was
limited by human effort alone. “...I want to do
what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. …I [am] …a slave to the sin that is … within
me. Who will free me from this life that is dominated
by sin? …”
(Romans 7:14-25 NLT).
Apart from the Holy
SPIRIT, no one can do right.. “….apart
from … [God’s HOLY Spirit], [you can]… do nothing…” (John 15:5 NIV).
Righteousness
was produced and empowered by the
indwelling Holy Spirit. The SAME Holy Spirit that produced and empowered
FAITH. “…The fruit of the Spirit is love,
joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance…”
(Galatians 5:22-23 KJV). "....The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in [y]our lives …” (Galatians 5 NLT).
“…God ...does the
work IN AND THROUGH all of us who are his (redeemed people)… (1
Corinthians 12:4-11 NLT).
According to the bible,
apart from Jesus Christ, a man or woman couldn’t have faith or righteousness.
The indwelling Holy Spirit produces,
this kind of fruit (or characteristics), “in and “through” his people.
Hosetta began to
question things: Ethical behavior
produced by human effort? Righteous behavior produced by the indwelling Holy
Spirit? According to faith, the faith George professed, was it ethical behavior or
righteous behavior that EMPOWERED you to live Godly? “… They will act
religious, but they will reject the power THAT COULD "MAKE" THEM GODLY.
Stay away from people like that!” (2 Timothy 3:5 NLT).
“…There is NONE RIGHTEOUS, NO, NOT ONE...” (Romans 3:10-12 KJV). “...God’s wonderful .... gift of righteousness ... through this one man, Jesus
Christ...” (Romans
5:10-16 NLT). “….apart
from … [God’s GIFT of righteousness], [you can]… do nothing…” (John 15:5 NIV).
After being stationed
at Travis for two years their world began to unravel. George went out to get
something from the grocery store early one Friday evening and didn’t return
until the next day. He told her what happened. His personal struggles had
returned with a vengeance.
George had a sexual
addiction. George said he was delivered from his addiction, a couple of years
before they married, and with his professed GIANT FAITH, she believed him.
He told her all the
gory details and she felt sick to her stomach. Before they were married George
told her he once had a problem with pornography and masturbation, but assured
her he was over it now. God had delivered him.
As his friend, she
thought it was a gross and degrading behavior, but she tried not to judge him.
But now that she was also his wife and the mother of his child, she couldn’t
seem to stop judging him.
Hosetta prayed and
prayed for God’s guidance. They were in California and far away from the
support of family and friends. She didn’t know what to do.
God told her to stop
judging him. God revealed to her that her judgmental thoughts could be viewed
as gross behavior to a Holy God. It made her think about God’s forgiveness and
grace toward her and the many mistakes she’d made.
God’s Word and the unction of his "indwelling" Spirit encouraged Hosetta
to forgive George as God had forgiven her. This is where the lesson on God’s
love began. She was instructed to love George as God had loved her. She was NEW
at loving like this and she made a lot of mistakes in the beginning. She wanted
to act out, in her flesh, MORE than she wanted to be guided by the indwelling Holy Spirit, but in
time SHE LEARNED!
Right when George
walked in the house, the first time, after staying out all night, God whispered
into her heart “...I delight in mercy...”
“...if
you love me, Hosetta, keep my commandments...”
Hosetta listened to God and he removed her judgmental attitude. She choose to continue to love George, with God's mercy, as she was guided by the Holy Spirit to do. She
went against her flesh. She went against all the negative voices in her head. She
went against all the talk shows that told women to leave men like this. She
surrendered to God’s will. George became, the wayward man God loved, and the
one she was being empowered to love too!
The
love of her life.
She didn’t change
overnight. She felt the lingering temptation to judge him, to be mad at him, to
leave him, but her faith, the very faith that George had helped cultivate,
empowered her to choose to love him in spite of it all.
So she begin to read
about sexual addiction in an effort to learn how she could help her husband.
Hosetta didn’t have a
clue of what George was facing. All she could understand, initially, was that George
was engaging in sexual behaviors that could potentially become seriously problematic
for him, her, and the baby.
In the beginning
Hosetta was the classic co-dependent. George was the addict and she became his
enabling wife. For a while her whole focus was on George’s behavior and trying
to help him stop. She thought her and the baby’s well-being was totally contingent
upon redeeming George’s behavior.
Hosetta made it her
purpose to SAVE George by making whatever sacrifices to help him. Every time he
did wrong, he would beg her forgiveness, and she could never say no. She would
cover for him by picking up the slack, in places, where he would shirk his
duties.
George was good at
twisting her thoughts and knew how to make her feel bad for the choices he was
making. Hosetta begin to keep quiet just to avoid arguing with him.
Thankfully, George
never messed up on his jobs. Hosetta took care of keeping the household running
smoothly by making sure they had food, clothes, the bills were paid, they went
to church, participated in social functions, and tried to maintain as much
normalcy as possible.
Hosetta found them a
SAA (sex addict’s anonymous) program. George found a military psychiatrist. Hosetta found herself giving George chance
after chance, accepting his excuses which would turn into empty promises,
constantly trying to fix the problem, and coming to his rescue over and over.
Hosetta couldn’t even
begin to understand the pain George suffered as a child, but it had become a monstrous
problem for him and now for her and their child.
It took a while, but
Hosetta, learned the hard way, she couldn’t fix George or the damage that had
been done. She could only be there for him now.
She held this
beautiful, gentle soul in her arms, one day, while he told her his story. George cried, she rocked him and she cried. His heart, his emotions, and his thinking
had been seriously impacted, by things in his childhood, and sometimes George
said he felt empty inside.
Like any other addict,
George was trying to cover the pain he felt. George told her on a number of
occasions he felt guilty about his behavior, and how he could never seem to get
far enough away from the shame and self-hate he had for himself.
George was ethical,
smart, talented, well-thought of, respected, and had a good reputation. But he
told her he was also deceitful and was certain if anyone ever discovered who he
really was, they wouldn't like him or he would lose everything.
He told Hosetta, once,
that she must be pretty hard up to love someone like him, and no matter what
she said, George couldn’t understand why she loved him.
George told Hosetta, he
didn’t know a lot about true love, but somehow he “knew” that she truly loved
him unconditionally. He use to said, “...I
know you me, Zest...”
Initially, she was
honored to love George and that he had invited her into his truth. She thought
it made what they shared, together, special. It was his integrity, about it,
that truly won her heart. In the beginning, she admired his honesty.
In the early days, her George,
the gentle soul she loved, had “good” intentions, but his addiction did NOT and
“IT” was in control.
Over time, George
became a practiced liar. He was living a double life and eventually, started
keeping his secrets from her. He wanted to keep his addiction and his married
life separate, but they were on a collision course.
Pretty soon George’s
habits begin to spill over into other parts of their life. One day they were
visiting relatives. George and Hosetta
went to the grocery store with, their cousins, Carlton and Valerie to get food
for a barbeque. George disappeared out of the store and left Hosetta to explain.
She was humiliated. When he returned she watched him lie about where he was.
George became a chronic
adulterer and it was non-stop. Hosetta didn’t think George was actually having
relationships outside of their marital relationship, but he was definitely having
“relations” with other people (strangers) regularly.
It was “this” aspect of
his addiction that caused the marital relationship to become defiled. George
had had a lot of "relations" with other people and for Hosetta, their physical intimacy
began to disintegrate. Their marriage was defiled and she no longer felt
special to him as a wife or that he was special to her as a husband.
His addiction was in
control, it moved her out of her rightful, God-given position, took over, mastered George, and forged
a bond with him that became stronger than his bond of love with her
In the beginning, George would compulsively
masturbate It often made Hosetta feel as if she wasn’t satisfying him, but
she came to realize he simply couldn’t stop himself. One Christmas, she put a
GIANT container of vaseline in his stocking, as a joke.
They both laughed at
the private and humorous moment. It was bittersweet. Sometimes she had to laugh
to keep from crying.
As George and Hosetta
entered the world of computers, laptops, and cell phones he became secretive
about his tech toys. He was always getting notifications of some kind,
minimizing his screen, and kept his phone close by.
When he was on his
computer, he’d sometimes hurry up and close it when she would come over to talk
to him. He became careful about erasing his browsing history, just in case she
used his computer. George was so sneaky he was obvious.
Hosetta saw George’s
roving eyes and often wondered whether he was thinking or fantasizing about his
next escapade. Whenever Hosetta would confront George about his behavior, he
got better and better at manipulating the conversation and turning things
around on her.
George had a brilliant
mind and he was smart. He was also good at twisting conversations around to
take the focus off himself. He was so good, Hosetta often questioned her own
mind and her normal discernment skills, especially when confronting him about
his misbehavior
George could be mean
and hateful like an animal that’s been caged too long if she wanted to talk
about what he was doing. He would whether fight, shout, keep strife going, and
hiss at Hosetta whether than admit the truth.
Eventually George,
turned the tables on her, and began to spend a lot of time criticizing
Hosetta’s behavior. He projected his
actions on to her and she became the untrustworthy one.
In the areas George was
wrong, he started talking as if he thought she was capable of doing an equal
wrong to him, which was the furthest thing from her mind.
George was a sex addict
whether she liked it or not. She wasn’t crazy and she wasn’t judging him. She
knew George better than anyone else. She wasn’t assuming he was an addict; he
had admitted it to her. And he had ALL the classic characteristics
For many years Hosetta
tried to save George, she tried to help him, and she tried to love him. On the
other hand, Hosetta thought George tried to save himself too, he tried to help
himself, and he tried to love her. But what George was dealing with, could ONLY
be delivered through FAITH in God's power and definitely NOT human effort; hers or his.
Needless to say, the
addiction created a chasm between them that grew and grew until they lost sight
of each other.
There was a time George
apologized for his behavior, asked her not to give up on him, told her it was
his problem and not hers, and they would prayer together.
Eventually, George
stopped apologizing, stopping asking her to help him, stopped admitting
anything, and they stopped praying together.
One day they were
arguing as usually and George presented all his classic excuses and reasons for
still struggling with his addiction, but Hosetta didn’t say another word. It
dawned on her that George had everything he needed, in place, to choose his
recovery.
She had a pivotal
moment, where she realized George wasn’t struggling because he had too anymore,
but because he wanted to.
Hosetta was done. As
far as his addiction was concerned George was on his own. She was not wasting
any more energy on George’s addiction. It was time to take care of Hosetta.
Whatever George could do for himself, in regard to his addiction and recovery,
Hosetta was putting it into his hands.
Hosetta suddenly felt
free from the burden of George's addiction. She went back to school for her master’s and doctorate degrees. She took
swimming lessons. She got her ministerial license. She opened a counseling and retreat
center. She became heavily involved in the PTA. Her and the baby went to every
fun family social event the military or church offered with or without George.
George’s addiction had
created a chasm, between them, that had become as WIDE and DEEP as the Grand
Canyon.
Often she missed
George, her friend, her confidante, the
love of her life, her brother-in-the-Lord, her husband, the father of her
child, and her companion. She was lonely without him, even when she could hear
George’s quiet, gentle snore, on the pillow, next to her.
George, her covenant
husband, had become an intimate stranger.
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